self expression, sex expression

i feel so heavy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I am a failure for not being able to effectively get myself to orgasm.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for not being effective at having/reaching orgasm.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define not having an orgasm or the ability to reach orgasm as a weakness or fault.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed myself to not want to face this point.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think this point is ‘too hard’ to face/push thru.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I should suppress this point and ignore it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to orgasm from a starting point other than self-expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I need to reach/have orgasm for any reason or justification.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to reach/have orgasm from the starting point of pleasing someone else, doing it for someone else, and not as self-expression as me here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately force myself to attempt to orgasm.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to have an orgasm from a starting point of proving that I can.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to compare my sexual expression to another’s.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my sexual expression in comparison to another’s.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a reason/justification why I must have an orgasm.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to have an orgasm fro a starting point of proving my ’sexuality’, my ‘effectiveness at being sexual’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ’sexuality’ as being effective at getting myself to have an orgasm.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I need to prove that I am a concept/construct design of ’sexual’.

I  forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowe dmyself to define not achieving orgasm as a failure.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to define myself as a failure for not being able to get myself to have an orgasm.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted anda llwoe dmyself to determine ’selfworth’ according to whether or not I can get myself to have an orgasm.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire others to see me as a system design of ’sexual’.

I forgive msyelf that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally express myself here, with no limitations.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to fear not being able to get myself to have an orgasm.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I am not able to ’satisfy’ myself sexually. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed myself to think I need to be sexually ’satisfied’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ’satisfying’ myself sexually.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think it is inappropriate to please myself sexually.

I forgive msyelf that I have accpeted and allwoed myself to program myself to react in judgment towards sexually pleasing myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed myself to form a defined construct of what ’sexually pleasing myself’ is.

…

SF

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things I’ve never done.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to people I’ve never talked to before.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for experiencing fear and participating within and as fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changes to my ‘current living situation’.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the feeling and thought and desire ‘to give up’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that I do not want to face what is to come.

It hurts

It hurts to see what a fucker I am. It hurts to judge myself. It hurts to give myself away, it hurts that I would betray my self, my self is all i have. What am i if i give that away? nothing. I hate the monster inside me which I have created from myself which i have given all my power to and it rules me. over time, little by little, giving myself to it, bit by bit, it wants everything, it wants all of me, every bit, there is little left, precious little, and it wants that too. I have lost myself! And its all i have! Who am I? Where am I? Why have I given myself away? Why do I allow myself to give myself away? This is the only crime, the only true real crime that exists. I have become that which I’ve hated. This was necessary. I asked for this. I said I do not see how one can become this, and so I didn’t see, as I became it. I didn’t see, and so it walked right in. I asked for this. I see what I’ve done, I know what I’ve done, if I think I can’t see it, its because i am trying to hold onto it, i am afraid to let it go, it has been my crutch, i placed it as my crutch, all along, and now i am afraid to walk without it.  From the very beginning.  And now this cage has grown up all around me, through me, like a tree that grows into a fence, how will you get it out? Its fucking built in, merged completely, within and as. How can I have let this happen? obviously, exactly as i did. I was so small. Everything was new. Why wasn’t everything knew? I accepted the logic that placed me as inferior, in spite of knowing I am not. I accepted the program. I suppressed the truth inside of me, I pressed it down and it bulged and it threatened to split my seams, and still i pressed it down, i kept it reined, caged. Why? Why would I do this? Tyrant to myself? Why have I fought myself? Fear. I was afraid. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did I allow fear? Why did I accept fear? Because I felt it. There was a feeling to confirm it, it must be real, I can feel it. Clever. There was a system, already in place, all hooked up and ready to go, ready to provide feelings to confirm, to give proof. The system was built in, so I would assume that it must be me, it must just be a part of who i am, since it is here, already. Clever. That which is real is proof in itself. That which requires something separate from itself as proof, is a lie. Proof is only for the purpose of canceling doubt. Doubt is disbelief, and belief is simply not required. That which requires belief, is not real. I trusted feelings as proof, I trusted a system which was set up for the very purpose of giving me proof. That which is real does not require a feeling to prove it.  A feeling generated by a system. Manufactured. Placing my trust in feelings as a guide, trusting feelings to lead me, to direct me. Am I slave? That I require something to direct me? That I require a manufactured feeling to be my leader? That I give away my self-direction, my self response-ability, to a fucking manufactured feeling? Given my life away to a system, living for a system, living as a system, just following orders. Just give me a sign, give me a sign, to lead me, to direct me, that I can follow like the good slave that I am? Who I am is not a feeling. Who I am is not dependent on a feeling to direct me, rule me, move me. I do not place trust in a feeling, in a system designed to function as my master, as programming for me to be its robot, to live for it and as it. I see what the feelings serve, and its not me. They serve the system. They serve to enslave me to a system, and I am not a system, I am life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling helpless.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I am helplessly infused with systems.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my past as justification for feeling helpless.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give myself away to systems.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give my self response-ability and self-direction to systems.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place trust in feelings and accept them as proof that what I experience is real and is who I really am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the justification of experiencing feelings of fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give myself away to feelings of fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that feelings are real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to direct myself and move myself as a reaction to feelings I experience which are provided/manufactured by a system.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for giving myself away to systems, for being a slave.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be programmed.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling hate toward myself for what I have become/been.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept anything as ‘normal’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in and support the concept of ‘normal/normality’.

The concept of normality, accepting something as normal, is to accept it and not question it, to stop seeing it for and as what it is, but simply accept it as it is, serving to remove it from consideration or awareness. It is a deliberate act of blinding, ignore-ance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept feelings as normal.

nor..mal

igNORe   mal=  bad/wrong/ill

bye bye Jeep, bye bye self-definition

I hadn’t fully realized how I had been defining myself according to my Jeep. I had realized that my car does not define me, but I hadn’t fully applied this, and didn’t really notice until I went to get my Jeep inspected and it wouldn’t pass, it was rusted underneath and for a Jeep that is like the death sentence, I found out.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the car I drive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to get to work.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear buying a new car.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I was not defining myself according to the car I drive, when I actually was.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire a car based on it’s picture presentation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the type of car I drive in any way determines or effects ’self-worthiness’ or ’self-value’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I was ‘cool’ for driving a Jeep.

Part of me would really like to not have a car, I feel guilty, selfish for having a car, when so many people don’t even have food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a car.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge having a car as ’selfish’.

I forgive myself tha ti’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to not have a car.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a car.

I forgive myself that i’ve accpeted and allowed myself to fear losing money by having a car.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allowed to fear losing money by not having a car.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money.

No justification

I realized I have been using realizations as justifications. For example, if I felt I ‘had to’ or ’should’ do something I would think, no I don’t, there is no requirement or having to do something, which then becomes a justification to not do whatever I felt I ‘had to’ do. No, it doesn’t matter and isn’t necessary to do anything. Common sense. if it was ‘required’ or ‘had to’ be done, then it would be done, no choice about it, so no, nothing is inherently ‘required’. Breathing is required -to live- yes, but it’s not just simply required period. Otherwise it would never stop, it would always happen. So ‘Requiredness’ in the concept itself existing in itself doesn’t make sense. I had separated myself from this word and was using it/defining it as a thing of itself.

I am/have realized this about many many words, this separation. In a way like some forms of math are only valid within a ‘Euclidian’ space that exists separate from reality/existence itself.

Unfinished projects

I remembered a project I started last winter, a hat I knit, and haven’t finished it yet, and I had that feeling I get when thinking about an incomplete project, that sinking feeling, like a fear I won’t finish the project. So I looked at that like wait a minute, WTF is that? It’s fear that I won’t move myself to finish the project. Lolol, this is funny, because I used to ‘blame’ the project, like there was some part of the project I didn’t feel like doing, lol which right there it’s pretty obvious it’s ME that has the problem, and not whatever it is the project requires to be done. It is my own programmed preferences according to what I ‘like’ to do and what I ‘don’t like’. What a bunch of bullshit limitation! Lol. I mean, I would get this feeling a lot, cuz I would do lots of projects, and most of them there was some part I didn’t want to do. Mostly finidhing up stuff, like a knitting project I would enjoy knitting the bulk of it but then if there were some little bits I had to sew and some buttons to add or whatever, I didn’t feel like doing that, cuz I percieved it as like ‘extra’ work, all the little finishing touches, cuz the ‘bulk’ was easy and simple and my mind could wander, but then the end finishing stuff required more focus which I apparently found annoying. Another layer to this is ‘feeling pressure’ to finish projects. A ‘pressure’ I would put on myself actually, with the intent to ‘pressure’ myself to actually finish the project, but which seemed to have the opposite effect of making me not want to finish it and percieve finishing it as soemthing I had to ‘put pressure on myself’ to do. Geez. What a BITCH I have been to myself, lololol! The ‘pressuring’ is tied to times when I didn’t finish projects and judged myself for not finishing them, as being wasteful, lazy, and not living up to the hopes/standards/expectations I had placed for myself. Jesus, what a bunch of unecessary misery! I have memories of my mom ‘nagging’ my dad and me for not finishing things/putting things off. And of course memories of school projects that ties into this also. Many many ways this concept was pesented and supported, and I accepted it and participated.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted ad allowed myself to judge myself for not completing a project.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the projects I do/have done.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to finish a project.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don’t finish a project it means I am a failure and reflects poorly on me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself for not completing a project.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ’stress’ out about projects I haven’t finished, allowing thoughts to run in my mind about how I should finish them, it’s bad that I haven’t finished them yet, I shoulf finish them in order to get that sense of accomplishment and feel good, that feel good feeling for completing something, that ego boost and positive energetic from feeling that I am ‘better’ for having accomplished something, of course to make up for feeling ‘less’ for not having accomplished it yet. Oh polarity…

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pressure myself into doing something. And thus..

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pressure others to do things.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel shitty and put myself down in order to coerce me to do something.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see some parts of projects as less desirable to do, because they require more focus and attention.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge these activities as tedious and frustrating, thus creating the experience of them being tedious and frustrating.  

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having finished ‘a lot’ of projects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to how many projects I haven’t finished.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the projects I haven’t finished as failures, when actually it all counts for experience and there’s no such thing as ‘failures’ from that perspective.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think if I don’t finish a project that i have wasted time and resources and effort.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘good/accomplished’ for completing a project.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel superior for completing projects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to others for having completed ‘more’ projects, being more ‘creative’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being ‘less creative’.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepetd and allowed myself to limit myself according to what I feel like/don’t feel like doing.

Frustration toward ‘newcomers’ to forum

I get this sinking feeling when I read posts from those who are ‘newer’ to the forums when i see the systems they are supporting and participating in. And I think shit we are all so fucked. There are just so many of us fuckers, who are so fucked in systems, it is quite the same feeling when I realize just how extesive my own systems are. I get all frazzled thinking I need to respond to stand up and not allow them to  remain in their systems, and it does not always go so well, or seem to. I get frustrated when trying to explain constructs and then my words are not so clear. I get all caught up in thoughts of fearing to say the ‘wrong’ thing and not being able to express directly and clearly. And I can still see a bit of wanting/needing to be nice and not offend. I realize that the frustration toward others who don’t see what theyre doing is reflecting the frustration I feel toward myself from the fear that I dont see what I’m doing, and judging myself for what I havent seen. And the feeling I experience of wanting them to be able to see themself is reflecting my desire to be able to see myself.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to see what i’m doing in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for supporting systems.

i forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire others to see what they are supporting.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration toward others in separation from myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear saying the ‘wrong’ thing.

I forigve msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to support/participate in the polarity construst of right/wrong.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something that might be taken as ‘rude’.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear offending someone, thus supporting the concept that one is able to be offended by another separate from themself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I’ve said/done in the past.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I’ve said/done in the past.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘interfering’ in another’s process.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as ‘right’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally express myself here.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and overwhelmed at the extensiveness of systems.

SF

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what languages I can speak.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that food can distract me from frustration.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress feelings of frustration byeating food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself differently in different situations. Who I am is constant and not determined by anything in separation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself, sparate from myself by defining myself and believing myself to be effected by anything outside of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience frutrstion toward a bug flying around my face.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for ‘harming’ insects and creatures.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I can harm anything in sepration from myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate from myself by forming relationships to things outside of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to percieve myself as separate from anything.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I am limited to this human body form.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself in separation from myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship toward D in separation from myself.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from D.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear vocalising myself forcefully.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to fear vocalizing myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my voice.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself freely.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back when trying to sing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to believe that I do not know how to use my voice and that I will/am going to use it incorrectly.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear singing ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to sing ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowe dmyself to jduge myself for singing ‘others’ songs.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other’s songs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that singing other’s songs is a sign of weakness in that I cannot make my own songs and must resort to singing someone elses that has already been ‘made’.

I frogive mseylf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I eat too much.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to masturbate from the starting point of desiring orgasm.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire orgasm.

SF

I forgive myself that that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project myself in accordance to how I percieve it will please whoever I am wanting to impress.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to impress in order to gain favor.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to gain/have favor from others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that gaining/javing favor from another changes or effects me in any way.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having favor gives me self worth, makes me worthy, or better, or ‘good’, or makes me feel good.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good for having favor.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see gaining favor as a game/test to win and feel that I have actually gained something.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having others find/think I’m attractive is good, makes me look good, makes me feel good, does anything for me in a beneficial way.

I frogive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good when others think I am attractive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate and believe in the construct of ‘attractive/attractiveness’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed myself to link the word ‘cheeseburger’ to a particular bird’s call/song.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hear ‘cheeseburger, cheeseburger’ when I hear the bird call.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to program myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to believe I am lazy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate/suppoert the concept of being lazy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe being lazy exists.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in the concept of being lazy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in the concept of being tired.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowe dmyself to program myself to experience tiredness.

I forgive myself tha I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself around others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be alone to be able to express myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowe dmyself to desire to eat something to make me feel good and distract me from frustration.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to program myself to eat food as a distraction to frustration.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to jobs/work I have had/done.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge some work ‘experiences’ as better than others.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and alloed myself to program myself to hate my job.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe i hate work/working.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to determine self worth according to the job I have/had.

I forgive myself that I’ve accpeted and allowed myself to believe that what I do defines who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the definition of my job.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire ‘good’ experiences at work/while working.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/act differently while at work/working.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the work I do/job I have changes or effects me in any way.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘trapped’ in my job.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I need my job to survive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to dsire to have a different job, a ‘better’ job.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed to believe that I will experience myself differently in different jobs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be different in different jobs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowe dmyself to believe that I am my job.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good about the job I have/had.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and alllowed myself to believe that my job give s me self worth.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed myself to participate and support the concept of ’self worth’.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in the concept of self worth.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe a concept of self worth exists.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to apply the concept of self worth to myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to a concept of worthiness.

I forgive msyelf that ‘ve accepted and allwoed myself to feel like a slave to work.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accpeted and allowed msyelf to believe that working can/will negatively effect me or harm me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a job/working is neccessary.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I need a job to ‘keep me busy’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I need a job to be moved to do things/accomplish things.

I forgive msyelf that i’ve accepted and allwoed myself to believe that I need to /should keep busy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed myself to partiipate in the concept of ‘keeping busy’.

Sit Still

I notice when I’m at the comp researching or on the forums or watching vids, I get this urge/feeling/desire/need to be doing something else and I often end up smoking cigarettes repeatedly to keep my hands( mind really) occupied, or I will have the urge to snack, and occasionally(usually when I have already just snacked and had a smoke, my mind starts to wander thinking what else should I be doing now, like I should be getting soemthing done while just sitting here, usually if I have ben at the comp for several hours at a time. I think this habit was really ground in several years ago when I got out of the last relationship I was in and formed a mindset of ‘now lets get shit done to make up for all the time I wasted in relationships’, and basically I treated myself as my own personal slave worker, haha slave driver/slave worker all in one. I pushed myself to be the ultimate ‘multitasker’ and to stop for nothing. I didn’t allow myself to take breaks, and times when I felt I had not accomlished enough I was very hard on myself. I looked back at my past and judged myself for having been so apparently lazy, thinking all these years gone by and whats to show for it? And what could I have gotten done, where could I be now, if I had applied myself more, in the past. Thus allowing my past and judgments of my past to direct me here, now. Part of keeping myself so busy was also to distract myself from reality by keeping busy with projects and such which weer not always practical or neccessary, i was literally addicted to doing stuff and would seek different projects to do just to keep myself busy/distracted. If I found myself sitting still for a moment, instantly I would start looking for something I could be getting done. I did happen to get a lot done, and a lot of experience with various projects and such, but I was way too hard on myself, wore myself out, spread myself to thin, and my starting point was of self-interest which influenced what I chose to do.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘wasting time’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I’ve done/not done in the past.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat myself/my body as my own personal slave.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience the need to be constantly doing something.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to set standards for what/how much I must get done.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize it is ok to take a break, to be still.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be still.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to snack, smoke, in order to keep myself feeling occupied.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to think I need to be occupied.

I forgive msyelf that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to in the moment of having the urge to do something/be occupied, to stop.