Work (in a large misshapen nutshell)

I get freaked out about the people I work with. The amount of judging others that goes on frustrates me. When I started this job i thought since I’m working with relatives, 2 uncles, I thought they would be ‘more like me’ and less like the ‘average’ people who I had judged for being vapid, judgmental, self-interested. Obviously I thought of myself as better than most ‘normal’ people. Because apparently the shit that goes on in my mind makes me so much better, yeah, in the fantasy land of my mind maybe.

So, I started this job with high expectations for these people, and I was nevrous and shy at first, not knowing anything about working on airplanes (which is what i do), being a female in a man’s world and being young to top it off. I did have some skills from odd hobbies working with various materials and tools, and trust in myself (tho shaky) that I can do/learn anything if someone will teach me. Being inexperienced, dependent on the guys to teach me stuff, and being young and female and believeing I would be heavily doubted for that, I placed myself as inferior right from the start. So these guys, I gave them automatic respect, becuase they’re older, more experienced, and they’re family, and i felt intrusive as a girl in their man’s world and didn’t want to ruin the ‘atmosphere’. So I was pretty quiet at first, kept to myself, observed, and was pertty busy focusing on whatever I was doing since I robably had never done it before, and really didn’t want to fuck it up. Before starting this job, I had been jobless for about 9 months, by far the longest amount of time without a job since I started working at age 16 (I think I was 23 when I started this job), so I was desparate to have income to support myself and to be able to move myself in life, being jobless for so long was terrible, well really, it was being moneyless, being dependent on others to support my existence made me feel so useless, hopeless, worthless, as I was quite used to supporting myself and was ashamed that I was not ‘pulling my own weight’. So I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes at this job and risk getting fired, plus it was a ‘better’ job than any of the jobs I’d ever had.

It didn’t take long for me to see how sex-crazed these guys are, just like most, just like myself, tho I kept it much more to myself, my mind that is. No wonder I judged them for it. But i hadn’t expected to get so much direct attention, especially being related. It surprised me and I suppressed myself out of fear of losing my job, so I ‘played along’ like i was ok with it, thinking there was absolutely no way I could speak up or say anything about it. I started to convince myself that it was ok, this is just how men are and the attention, like comments about me being ‘hot’ I allowed to boost my ego/self-image. But them over time it seemed like my acceptance was an inch and they were starting to go for the mile, and I thought fuck, what have I done? I opened the floodgates.

It started to eat away at me, I dreaded more and more going to work, my mind would be going in loops, what are they gonna say to me/about me today, are they going to touch me, etc? I was so afraid to speak up, especially at this point, and I didn’t want to offend anyone and possibly lose my job. Also, they would make jokes/insults about females a lot. They would make a joke/insult about women and then act really nice to me, like ‘over-nice’ as if to make up/say sorry for the insult/joke they made that they’d been laughing about a moment ago in front of me. It made me feel sick.

Then for a while, it became a ‘if you can’t beat’em, join’em’ thing, and in order to ‘avoid being the victim’ in a way, I would participate in the jokes and judgments. It was like I totally sold out. I always felt ill inside after telling a joke or insult or paticipating in one, participating in griping about others behind their back, that sort of thing. I did it to fit in with them, to be accepted, and ‘not disturb the atmosphere’. And I hated myself EXTENSIVELY for it.

So I got sick. Real sick. I was also going thru a weird time with my boyfriend (at the time), pretty much thru all of this. And a weird living situation too. There was a lot of shit going on. A lot of giving my power away. Every aspect of my life was pretty fucked. My boyfriend had not had many sexual experiences in his life and I had made it my duty apparently to make up for this, so I tried to please him whenever he felt like it, nevermind if i wanted to or not, I did it anyway. He had supported me during the time I had no job for 6 months so I felt i owed him and what else did I have to give? So he basicaly would have been happy doing it all the time, and we did it so much that I would become so sore that I couldn’t do it anymore, it was too painful, and I would apologise and feel guilty for letting him down. I also drank a lot of alcohol at the time, he drank, so I drank, everyday, all day pretty much. I think at this time in my life I was trying to see just how bad I could abuse myself. Frequently ld wonder, hey Kelly? When you gonna stop fucking yourself like this? You could end this anytime you know? Just how long you gonna keep this up? You know you are fucking yourself real bad, why are you doing this? Why do yo continue? Why do you allow this? You know you are doing this to yourself?

So I got sick. I got a urinary tract/bladder/kidney infection, it was teribly painful and debilitating. I got over it, but I still did not stop my ways. So I got another. And another. And another. Four infections in less than two years. I thinkit was between the 2nd and 3rd infections that I broke up with my boyfriend. It was not easy. I had been thinking about it as I had realized I couldn’t keep up this life anymore, I was sick and tiring of being fucking sick! And in so much pain, and all the drinking, I had had enough finally. So I was trying to find a way to tell him I wanted to break up, which I’d always had trouble with in relationships, I had been putting it off but I know it was coming out in my behaviour. So I decided that’s it, I will tell him tomorrow, and I was certain about it, I would not let this go on any longer, finally I would grow some balls and speak up. That night, he fell down the stairs and broke his back. Fuck.

So, took him to the hospital, doctors were amazed he still had feeling in his legs and feet, the options were surgery or a back brace, the doctors were weirdly pushy for surgery, he opted for the back brace anyway. So now it was going to be a long road to recovery and I decided this would really not be the time to tell him I want to break up, I decided, since we were living together, that I’d stay with him and help him take care of himself, since he couldn’t walk. I knew that if I broke up with him now or later, either way he’d hate me, so I figured the ‘nice’ thing to do would be to help him out. At first he was pretty preoccupied with the pain and broken back  but eventually as he recovered he realized that things were not the same anymore, so he surprised me one day by asking if I wanted to break up, I apparently surprised him by saying yes, and he proceeded to get quite pissed. So we split up finally.

After that relationship i had somewhat resigned myself to only having imaginary relationships so as to not get into a mess like that again. Like that would work. Anyway, now I was finally ‘free’, able to do what I want, which was to start caring about myself again, as no one else was gonna do it for me, which I realized as my boyfriend(ex) had no problem watching me drink myself into oblivion or having sex with me even if I was sick and in pain. I remember thinking that’s fucked up that he could do that, but realizing no, it’s fucked up that I can do that to myself. I allowed it.

Well, the relationship wth the boyfriend was done, but there was still the relationship with beer, and marijuana, and my work situation. Between infections, I really went full steam ahead with my work, trying to be the ultimate employee, airplane fix-it girl(since i had been getting respect from people who thought it was cool a girl working on old airplanes, and allowed this to feed my ego) working extra hours and studying more at home. So I got sick again. Recovered, went right back into shit. So finally I got really sick. the infection wasn’t even so bad, but I started getting headaches everyday, almost all day, was dizzy all the time, couldn’t think, was sleeping 10-12 hrs when I would be able to sleep inbetween headaches and infection pains. I kept forcing myself to go into work sometimes leaving after an hour or two and then almost getting in an accident on the way home from being so out of it. I was also freaking out that everyone at work was probablt talking shit about me coming in late or maybe saying they don’t think I’m really sick, since most of the time I worked away from everyone else, so they didn’t see me suffer. I knew how much they judge people behind their backs, so I asumed they were judging me too. I had some very emotional and confrontational days.

Oh also, I was house and dog-sitting for some people at the time, so I had extra responsibilties from that and also A LOT of stress since I’d never house sat before and they have a really nice house and property that I was now responsible for for 2-3 months.

So finally one day, I was lyin in bed, thinking Am I dying? I think I am dying. Sure feels like I’m dying. Am I gonna just lay here and die? And I thought fuck my job, fuck everything, it’s not me, I am trying to be what I’m not and I’m gonna kill myself trying. Then I slowly started getting better. I told my boss I was gonna come in less hours and he said ok. And I stopped pushing myself quite so hard. Oh yeah, i had also been doins a side job and taking flying lessons on the weekends and I stopped that too. Shit, it was all just too much, and I wasn’t doing it for me, it was for an idea of what I thought others wanted me to be.

Then the real improvements in work relations started happening after coming across Desteni. Then I looked back and saw how I was responsible for everything I experienced and it made so much sense suddenly, everything I went thru. I realized my work situation is actually the perfect situation to test myself in standing up, lol. Facing everyhting that I’ve allowed and saying, NO MORE. I fall but I stand up again, I learn and apply, and it is already making a difference. Long way still to go, but I am here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others who are older.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe it is my duty to provide sex to a male I am in relationship with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘force’ myself to have sex when sick and in pain.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge T for having sex with me when I was sick and in pain, wondering how could he do this, which was actually me wondering how could I do this to myself?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior for not having a job, a means to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that family means something.

I forgive myself that  I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge others as vapid, judgmental and self-interested, which is really me judging myself for being vapid, judgmental and self-interested, and judgment does nothing, it’s only an excuse to not stand up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration at my coworkers for being judgmental, which is a reaction to my own reflected judgmentalness, and again, judging myself instead of standing up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowe myself to believe that I am better than others for the shit that goes on in my mind, which is not real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I am better than anyone else.

I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to get offended when coworkers make jokes about females, since I have defined myself as female.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as female.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as young.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed msyelf to judge myself as less than other for being younger.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others for being female.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being inexperienced.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my job, as an airplane mechanic.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feed my ego for being a female doing a ‘man’s’ job.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless for not having a job/money.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf o comprimise myself by participating with coworkers in judging others.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ruining the atmosphere’ at work, thus suppressing myself. Which is me not wanting to face the reactions of others if I speak up, which is protecting my self-image, self-interest.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for participating in judging/insulting others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with T and continue a relationship when I wanted to break up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking up with someone, because I do not want to face the reaction.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel responsible for T breaking his back.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel responsible for taking care of T while he recovered.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allwoed msyelf to abuse myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to experience hate toward myself for abusing myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to blame my body for getting sick.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed msyelf to blame my coworkers for what I’ve experienced.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed msyelf to judge myself for working less hours.

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