diary of sorts: at work

Coworker was talking about his children’s homework where one of his children was given an assignment to look up info about France on the internet. Apparently the child had found some erroneous information and D was expressing frustration and dislike for children being given assignments to find info from the internet, stating that a blog is not an accurate source of information and how does a child know how to use the inernet and shouldn’t tehy be first given explanation or direction on what is a trustworthy source of information on the internet.

H emeantioned Wiki, to which I pointed out that information on wiki is added and changed by anyone. An encyclopedia type site was also mentioned. I started to point out/question what is a trustworthy site? Is any? Or do you have to trust yourself? He became frustrated and in a tense voice stated ‘I don’t want to get into this’ or something to the effect. I think this may have to do with previous events in whcih I tried to share information with him about what’s going on in the government which he did not want to hear and challenged the fact that I had gotten the info from the internet coming from that programmed perception of the internet as being a scary deceptive thing.

I was frustrated at his frustration, and took it personal that he would make such a tense forceful directive statement toward me, and so I stopped and let it go, to not come from a point of reaction. It felt like I was holding myself back, silencing myself, but I did not trust myself in that moment because I knew I had reacted by taking it personal and I would have come from a starting point of judgement.

I felt like he didn’t want to go into it because of his own self-doubt on the subject, his far of the internet-that which he does not understand. I wanted to say you are putting the responsibilty of your childrens education on a teacher/someone else, you do not trust yourself to assist your child in using the internet because you don’t trust yourself in using the internet, becuase you have judged it in fear and not taken the time to explore it and see what it is and how it works, prectical experience. You do not trust yourself as a parent. You hide from your responsibilty by drinking beer, trying to escape reality of being enslaved to job, wife, children, trying to hide from what you percieve is expected from you as a man, what and how you believe you are supposed to be.

I fear being the great destroyer, which implies that I fear being destroyed. I fear being the one to point out dishonesties and having to face others reactions. Fear that I will not be able to not take it personally, to not react, which implies I am still concerned with how I am percieved by another – a.not.her(e)… I fear reacting if someone points out my dishonesties, I judge myself for my dishonesties is why I would take it personally, which is stating that they have power over me, that they can actually affect/control me, when it is actually me affecting/controlling me thru self-judgement for my dishonesties.

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