Sit Still

I notice when I’m at the comp researching or on the forums or watching vids, I get this urge/feeling/desire/need to be doing something else and I often end up smoking cigarettes repeatedly to keep my hands( mind really) occupied, or I will have the urge to snack, and occasionally(usually when I have already just snacked and had a smoke, my mind starts to wander thinking what else should I be doing now, like I should be getting soemthing done while just sitting here, usually if I have ben at the comp for several hours at a time. I think this habit was really ground in several years ago when I got out of the last relationship I was in and formed a mindset of ‘now lets get shit done to make up for all the time I wasted in relationships’, and basically I treated myself as my own personal slave worker, haha slave driver/slave worker all in one. I pushed myself to be the ultimate ‘multitasker’ and to stop for nothing. I didn’t allow myself to take breaks, and times when I felt I had not accomlished enough I was very hard on myself. I looked back at my past and judged myself for having been so apparently lazy, thinking all these years gone by and whats to show for it? And what could I have gotten done, where could I be now, if I had applied myself more, in the past. Thus allowing my past and judgments of my past to direct me here, now. Part of keeping myself so busy was also to distract myself from reality by keeping busy with projects and such which weer not always practical or neccessary, i was literally addicted to doing stuff and would seek different projects to do just to keep myself busy/distracted. If I found myself sitting still for a moment, instantly I would start looking for something I could be getting done. I did happen to get a lot done, and a lot of experience with various projects and such, but I was way too hard on myself, wore myself out, spread myself to thin, and my starting point was of self-interest which influenced what I chose to do.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘wasting time’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I’ve done/not done in the past.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat myself/my body as my own personal slave.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience the need to be constantly doing something.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to set standards for what/how much I must get done.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize it is ok to take a break, to be still.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be still.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to snack, smoke, in order to keep myself feeling occupied.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to think I need to be occupied.

I forgive msyelf that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to in the moment of having the urge to do something/be occupied, to stop.

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