Unfinished projects

I remembered a project I started last winter, a hat I knit, and haven’t finished it yet, and I had that feeling I get when thinking about an incomplete project, that sinking feeling, like a fear I won’t finish the project. So I looked at that like wait a minute, WTF is that? It’s fear that I won’t move myself to finish the project. Lolol, this is funny, because I used to ‘blame’ the project, like there was some part of the project I didn’t feel like doing, lol which right there it’s pretty obvious it’s ME that has the problem, and not whatever it is the project requires to be done. It is my own programmed preferences according to what I ‘like’ to do and what I ‘don’t like’. What a bunch of bullshit limitation! Lol. I mean, I would get this feeling a lot, cuz I would do lots of projects, and most of them there was some part I didn’t want to do. Mostly finidhing up stuff, like a knitting project I would enjoy knitting the bulk of it but then if there were some little bits I had to sew and some buttons to add or whatever, I didn’t feel like doing that, cuz I percieved it as like ‘extra’ work, all the little finishing touches, cuz the ‘bulk’ was easy and simple and my mind could wander, but then the end finishing stuff required more focus which I apparently found annoying. Another layer to this is ‘feeling pressure’ to finish projects. A ‘pressure’ I would put on myself actually, with the intent to ‘pressure’ myself to actually finish the project, but which seemed to have the opposite effect of making me not want to finish it and percieve finishing it as soemthing I had to ‘put pressure on myself’ to do. Geez. What a BITCH I have been to myself, lololol! The ‘pressuring’ is tied to times when I didn’t finish projects and judged myself for not finishing them, as being wasteful, lazy, and not living up to the hopes/standards/expectations I had placed for myself. Jesus, what a bunch of unecessary misery! I have memories of my mom ‘nagging’ my dad and me for not finishing things/putting things off. And of course memories of school projects that ties into this also. Many many ways this concept was pesented and supported, and I accepted it and participated.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted ad allowed myself to judge myself for not completing a project.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the projects I do/have done.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to finish a project.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don’t finish a project it means I am a failure and reflects poorly on me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself for not completing a project.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘stress’ out about projects I haven’t finished, allowing thoughts to run in my mind about how I should finish them, it’s bad that I haven’t finished them yet, I shoulf finish them in order to get that sense of accomplishment and feel good, that feel good feeling for completing something, that ego boost and positive energetic from feeling that I am ‘better’ for having accomplished something, of course to make up for feeling ‘less’ for not having accomplished it yet. Oh polarity… 🙂

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pressure myself into doing something. And thus..

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pressure others to do things.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel shitty and put myself down in order to coerce me to do something.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see some parts of projects as less desirable to do, because they require more focus and attention.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge these activities as tedious and frustrating, thus creating the experience of them being tedious and frustrating.  

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having finished ‘a lot’ of projects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to how many projects I haven’t finished.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the projects I haven’t finished as failures, when actually it all counts for experience and there’s no such thing as ‘failures’ from that perspective.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think if I don’t finish a project that i have wasted time and resources and effort.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘good/accomplished’ for completing a project.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel superior for completing projects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to others for having completed ‘more’ projects, being more ‘creative’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being ‘less creative’.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepetd and allowed myself to limit myself according to what I feel like/don’t feel like doing.

Advertisements
  1. #1 by Amy on August 21, 2009 - 9:04 am

    Hey, you are your own worst critic!

  2. #2 by kellylouiseposey on August 23, 2009 - 5:54 pm

    I face myself in self-honesty to see what I have become, what I have accepted and allowed to become who I am, to define who I am, because it is who we are, each and every individual, which manifests this reality, and everything in it, including abuse, starvation, etc. We are each responseable, for what is here, because we are here, and the world is a reflection of who we are, as individuals. So I take self-response-ability back from where ever I have given it away, where ever I have blamed someone or something else for who I am, as I am the only one who can change me, and thru changing myself, I change the world. I must first see myself in self-honesty, to see what my true nature has become, that which I have suppressed and hidden from my awareness, that which I judged and did not want to face, if I cannot see it, I cannot change it. In self-honesty I dis-cover how I have programmed myself thru the mind, so I can self-forgive/delete the programs, to no longer exist as a system, a robot, acting according to how I have been programmed. To exist according to programs, enslaved to systems, is not life, is not who I am, I no longer accept such limitation. I stand, for myself, I am self-responsablity, I am self-directive, and in this I stand for and as all, to be self-responsable, self-directive, as life, not enslaved to systems. I have had enough of the abuse and suffering in this world. How much more will it take before we will actually change?

  3. #3 by Sandra Yamamoto on August 26, 2009 - 12:55 am

    It takes continuing awareness and a choice to keep looking at what is happening and what one is experiencing eye-to-eye, knowing at a zero-point (gut) level that much of it is an illusion created at the quantum, and at unconscious levels. At such intervals we know enough to start effecting change.

  4. #4 by kellylouiseposey on August 31, 2009 - 5:07 am

    It’s not even actually a choice to see what’s here. It’s all here. The only choice is to not see it, in spite of what is here. Those that suffer do not care if it is an illusion. If what is real is not real then wtf IS ‘real’? We judge what is real based on a preconceived idea of what real is…comparing what is here, to a definition/idea created in our mind, which is not actually here. We have created layer upon layer of excuse and justification in our mind to not face what is here, to get to this point of extensive unawareness. Remove the layers, and the veil lifts, and what is here is all to clear.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: