It hurts

It hurts to see what a fucker I am. It hurts to judge myself. It hurts to give myself away, it hurts that I would betray my self, my self is all i have. What am i if i give that away? nothing. I hate the monster inside me which I have created from myself which i have given all my power to and it rules me. over time, little by little, giving myself to it, bit by bit, it wants everything, it wants all of me, every bit, there is little left, precious little, and it wants that too. I have lost myself! And its all i have! Who am I? Where am I? Why have I given myself away? Why do I allow myself to give myself away? This is the only crime, the only true real crime that exists. I have become that which I’ve hated. This was necessary. I asked for this. I said I do not see how one can become this, and so I didn’t see, as I became it. I didn’t see, and so it walked right in. I asked for this. I see what I’ve done, I know what I’ve done, if I think I can’t see it, its because i am trying to hold onto it, i am afraid to let it go, it has been my crutch, i placed it as my crutch, all along, and now i am afraid to walk without it.  From the very beginning.  And now this cage has grown up all around me, through me, like a tree that grows into a fence, how will you get it out? Its fucking built in, merged completely, within and as. How can I have let this happen? obviously, exactly as i did. I was so small. Everything was new. Why wasn’t everything knew? I accepted the logic that placed me as inferior, in spite of knowing I am not. I accepted the program. I suppressed the truth inside of me, I pressed it down and it bulged and it threatened to split my seams, and still i pressed it down, i kept it reined, caged. Why? Why would I do this? Tyrant to myself? Why have I fought myself? Fear. I was afraid. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did I allow fear? Why did I accept fear? Because I felt it. There was a feeling to confirm it, it must be real, I can feel it. Clever. There was a system, already in place, all hooked up and ready to go, ready to provide feelings to confirm, to give proof. The system was built in, so I would assume that it must be me, it must just be a part of who i am, since it is here, already. Clever. That which is real is proof in itself. That which requires something separate from itself as proof, is a lie. Proof is only for the purpose of canceling doubt. Doubt is disbelief, and belief is simply not required. That which requires belief, is not real. I trusted feelings as proof, I trusted a system which was set up for the very purpose of giving me proof. That which is real does not require a feeling to prove it.  A feeling generated by a system. Manufactured. Placing my trust in feelings as a guide, trusting feelings to lead me, to direct me. Am I slave? That I require something to direct me? That I require a manufactured feeling to be my leader? That I give away my self-direction, my self response-ability, to a fucking manufactured feeling? Given my life away to a system, living for a system, living as a system, just following orders. Just give me a sign, give me a sign, to lead me, to direct me, that I can follow like the good slave that I am? Who I am is not a feeling. Who I am is not dependent on a feeling to direct me, rule me, move me. I do not place trust in a feeling, in a system designed to function as my master, as programming for me to be its robot, to live for it and as it. I see what the feelings serve, and its not me. They serve the system. They serve to enslave me to a system, and I am not a system, I am life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling helpless.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I am helplessly infused with systems.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my past as justification for feeling helpless.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give myself away to systems.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give my self response-ability and self-direction to systems.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place trust in feelings and accept them as proof that what I experience is real and is who I really am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the justification of experiencing feelings of fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give myself away to feelings of fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that feelings are real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to direct myself and move myself as a reaction to feelings I experience which are provided/manufactured by a system.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for giving myself away to systems, for being a slave.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be programmed.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling hate toward myself for what I have become/been.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept anything as ‘normal’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in and support the concept of ‘normal/normality’.

The concept of normality, accepting something as normal, is to accept it and not question it, to stop seeing it for and as what it is, but simply accept it as it is, serving to remove it from consideration or awareness. It is a deliberate act of blinding, ignore-ance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept feelings as normal.

nor..mal

igNORe   mal=  bad/wrong/ill

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