Archive for June, 2010
Noticed myself becoming more and more depressed the last few days. Taking a look at my thoughts I have been participating in Self-judgment, and just suppressing and trying to ignore the judgment rather than stopping.
I’ve been judging myself for smoking some cigarettes after I decided to stop. Judgment for not having kept up with my blog for a while. Judgment for not ‘being more effective’, ‘doing more’. It’s all based on comparison and the past- When an idea/ideas are presented of things I could do I go into judgment for not doing those things already, for not having already considered those points- ‘why hadn’t I already considered that?’- Which is certainly a point that can be considered, and that I would want to consider- why hadn’t I considered that?- but NOT from a point of judgment for not ‘Already’ having considered it, Not from a point of ‘I should have been able to already see that’- Not from a perspective of wanting to/wishing to change the past/what’s already done- but to simply look and see why hadn’t I considered it and not taking it ‘personally’, so to speak. And this would really only apply if it’s something I could have considered or perhaps did at some point, but then didn’t follow through on and forgot- then it’s about seeing- why did I do that? If it’s something I really had not ever considered and couldn’t have until now, then ok, that’s what it is, and it’s here now for me to consider.
So when something is suggested that I can do such as keeping up with blogs or making certain videos, etc, it is for me to look HERE, at myself HERE, simply, and realize I am Here and now I am aware of this point and now I can take it into consideration, it doesn’t ‘matter’ that I did not already, and it is not effective or necessary to go into self judgment and comparison in my mind, where, I take the points thats been suggested and then form an idea of ‘doing those things/one ought to be doing those things’ and then compare myself to that picture, where ‘myself’ is a picture of me ‘not doing those things’ and thus this means I am ineffective, a failure, a disappointment, lazy, etc, etc, blah, blah, bullshit!
As a whole we are so fucking entrenched in this MAJOR FUCKUP of the system design of JUDGMENT. It is by each one of us accepting this system of judgment within ourself and living it as if it’s real, that it exists in this world. That its manifested to the extent of Courts and Judges and Fines and Punishments and Sentences, etc. Nothing has ever changed in this world because we’ve been so stuck on ‘shoulda, shoulda, shoulda’ instead of accepting Who We Are Here In This Moment and Moving From Here- Instead we Turn our Focus on the Passed, which we Can’t Do A Damn Thing About- It’s Done. It’s Gone. Can’t Change What’s Passed From Here.
Also, thoughts like ‘I might not have time to do all these things’, ‘what if I don’t have enough time’, blah, blah. It Doesn’t Matter. If I don’t have the time, I don’t have the time. If I do, I do. That’s it. I can only do what I can do, obviously. One thing’s for sure- if I’m so busy worrying about it- I’m not busy doing it! And thus no wonder I’d be worried about not having the time- because I know I do not use my time effectively- because I participate in thoughts and fears instead of being here in the moment and directing myself effectively. There is Never Any Valid Excuse or Justification to Participate in a Thought. There is Never Any Valid Excuse or Justification to Participate in a Thought! And it Always Requires a Justification or Excuse to Participate in a Thought! It always Requires Permission, even if you’ve buried deep the remembrance of giving permission, deep into the subconscious, you are able to dig it up and revoke your permission- with Self-Forgiveness to be able to see yourself unconditionally without judgment or taking it personal- with Self-Honesty to see who/how/what you actually live as, who/how/what you’ve actually become, who/how/what you accept and allow within yourself- with Self-Writing, to pull out what is within you and place it in the physical so you can see it physically here and can’t so easily hide/suppress it back down within you, so you can see what it is that moves within you, that’s moving you, and how it moves, and how you’re allowing it, and from here you can see how to stop it- and take back Self-Direction and Self-Response-Ability- take back yourSelf, every piece of yourself that you compromised away throughout your life.