Archive for July, 2010
Apparently the cops had not had enough of me! This morning on my way to work, very nearly there I get pulled over- I was not speeding nor doing anything out of the ordinary or breaking any laws, just driving to work like every day. So he comes up to the side and says ‘License and registration’, and I say ‘ok’ and start fishing thru my bag. While I’m doing this he asks me where I’m going and I tell him I’m going to work, and he asks where is that, and I point up the road and tell him the name of the place I work. Then, he sort of turns as if to go away, then turns back really quick and says ‘oh, you’re just going to work- ok nevermind, go ahead’. To which I said ‘ok’ and put the car in drive and continued to work. This is the same area or jurisdiction I was in for the cop encounter just yesterday so I suppose there could be a possible relation, but it didn’t seem like it. It was likely that he pulled me over because I am an ‘out-of-stater’ being from Pennsylvania and where I work is in New Jersey, and cops like to pull over out-of-staters because they don’t want to pull over locals and piss them off, when the locals’ taxes contribute to the cops payroll- so out-of-staters are seen as a better way to fill your quota. This is the kind of bullshit that happens in our current system. It’s pretty ridiculous to be all patriotic about this country, when the individual states even prey off each other- ‘One nation indivisible…’? Huwhaaaa? Please. One nation ‘In Division’, more like. The idea of this country being like ‘one big happy family’ is as much bullshit as the idea of ‘one big happy family’ being like ‘one big happy family’. And in fact you can look at the relationships of not just states to states but countries to countries and see it all reflected in same dynamics within our families- as above so below- the countries are like personalities ‘at large’, our personalities reflected on the large scale- because its all a reflection of who we are, each and every one of us make this world at large- so there is no kidding ourselves that we are great and wonderful and nice people somehow- in a world full of abuse, suffering, war, holocaust, torture, starvation, deception, slaughter, rape, ignorance, greed, poverty. Get Real. 1+1=2.
Support an Equal Money System to stop the Abuse. Give yourself the Gift of Unconditional Support. When you Give Equally, What You Give You GET. Give to ALL EQUALLY the support you would like and YOU GET IT AS WELL- ONE and EQUAL. If you can get 1+1=2, you can get this.
Today at work I decided to take some time to do some work on my car. So I parked in back of the hangar where I work which is where I usually park because there is shade there. As I was fussing around with the hood open, a man drove by kind of slowly and I wondered why he was driving like that and then he stopped a ways away and sat there for a moment before continuing on. A couple minutes later a cop pulled up right near me, and I immediately I realized the guy who drove by had called the police to come check me out. I wondered why the guy had done that. I put myself in the shoes of the guy to see who would I have to be to do that? To decide to call the cops instead of just dealing with it myself. Like just simply asking- hey what are you doing? I saw that it would have been participating in fears and thoughts that would lead me to not confront the person (me) myself, but to decide to have a cop come out instead, or to even think there is a reason to be concerned at all given what was actually going on. So, still ‘in this person’s shoes’ I walked myself thru that fear- to test if it is valid. And looked at what are some thoughts, or what is the thought pattern you would go thru to make that choice- to actually grasp the phone in your hand and push those numbers and speak the words to the cop.
Maybe he was just freaked out by my bald head- AHAHAHHA- what does it say about us when we react so much to HAIR? PSYCHO- time to have your head checked for viruses! Its just like in the movie ‘A Clockwork Orange’- We’ve all been programmed to react to images, either positive or negative, and then even further specific reactions as well. Like what do you think of when you see the symbol of golden arches? It’s just a symbol- a picture- and yet thoughts will come up which have been connected to the symbol- yeah that’s Mind Control. Hehehehehe.
What is fear? Fear is what spurs you to act in a self-preserving way in moment of perceived threat or danger. Hehehe, I can tell you I have seen it cause not-so-self-preserving acts in others and myself on many occasions. So, already we know it is fallible. But we participate in fear because we don’t trust ourself in the moment to act in a self-preserving way. Its fascinating actually to look at how the fear mechanism work- like a person becomes momentarily possessed or drugged up like on speed and makes some quick reaction before there is time for thoughts to get in the way- which is cool, fear has been very supportive in that way- yet, we are able to not depend on fear. We are able to take the training wheels off- otherwise how can you really freely ride the bicycle- the BioCycle of life. If we are here in every moment, aware of what is going on around us and free to respond in whatever way is necessary to anything that may come up- you won’t need a ‘system bypass’ mechanism to enable you to in the moment have ‘a chance’ to preserve yourself despite yourself. If we stop participating in setting up habits and thought patterns that limit us, then we won’t have this problem. We need to stop spreading the poison of fear. We feed it to the children so they may keep it alive- it’s like a parasite and we are the host and we let it inside and let it feed off of us, and then we pass it to the children and infect them as well, and of course that is how Fear has become so extensive a problem in this world. Everything starts with self- Stop Fear in yourself- and One by One It is Done!
I hadn’t been for a walk in some time. A walk with no particular goal, but just to walk. Right awway what I realized is that before I would have thoughts running- anytime I would go for a walk- I ‘needed’ to have thoughts running in the background- thoughts that would ‘make me feel ok’ to be walking, at that particular place, at that particular time, in that particular environment, wearing those particualr clothes, every fucking thing- there was a thought for it- all to create exactly how I was experiencing myself in that moment, place, event, situation. So much programming- its how you get ‘ambiance’- it’s not a thing that’s there, that’s actually here in the physical- its resonant programming- symbols linked with feelings and emotions- ‘brain washing’. ‘mind control’. we are fucking robots. living in an illusion, missing the real world right here. crazy, delusional. Where do ‘crazy’ and ‘delusional’ come from? Did we make them? Did we name them? Don’t you think we’d Know What The Fuck They Are? Obviously we Don’t. Ah well, Missing that We Are In a Delusion kinda fits right in with Being In a Delusion I suppose! It Makes a delusional kind of Sense!
So on this walk, I first noticed how I would have these thoughts come up to justify me being where i was, ‘on a walk’, meaning- thoughts that were supposed to ‘make me feel comfortable being here’, like it’s ‘ok for me to be here’, or ‘I’m supposed to be here’- ‘I have a reason to be here’- and of course the thoughts would be specific to whatever was in my environment- if there were people around- specific thoughts would come up to ‘make myself ok with that’, and so on with anything else that might be around or come up like, what time of day is it, is it dark? what is the weather? What ind of surface am I walking on? What kind of ‘outfit’ do I have on? All these things, every little detail had to be registered and accounted for but- not simply just ‘registered’ as in- taking in what’s here as my physical environment- no no no- taking everything in my environment and determining how ‘I feel about it’, what ‘I think about it’ but- back then I saw it as how ‘it made me feel’ and what ‘it made me think’ as in- I took ‘for granted’ that certain things would ‘make me feel’ a certain way and that’s just ‘how it was’. fascinating. which often frustrated me because this felt very enslaving, lol, which makes sense because it is enslavement. I often didn’t like how I would experience myself in just about any situation, and ‘wished’ I ‘didn’t have to feel that way’ or rather I wished that ‘it didn’t make me feel that way’. Almost completely missing the point that- nothing is actually able to get inside me to create these experiences, thoughts, feelings, emotions- except myself. I had of course been rather extensively trained my whole life to react to things outside of me as if they do have control over how I experience myself within myself. Ok, so skip back to now where I realize that nothing outside of me can actually control how I experinece myself within myself and have been walking this process for almost 3 years now? this process of ‘taking back control’ in a way, wherein I am ‘taking back’ every part of myself I gave away to something outside/separate from myself- meaning where i had allowed myself to be programmed with specific reactions to specific things, so that my environment literally acts as ‘impulsing’ me t have a certain experience based on my specific programming. Like, being nervous if there’s people around. So on this walk when I- oh yes the thoughts that would come up to make me feel ok- well the point i had missed with that is ‘why did I not ‘feel ok’ in the first place- because here was thoughts, feelings, emotions coming up already according to how I was being impulsed by my specific environment in that moment- so the thoughts to ‘make me feel comfortable’ were attempting to cope with the Already existing thoughts, which were impulsing me to ‘not feel comfortable’. This kind of shit is literally Delusional, and literally we are all Doing it- you can see it physically manifested- but I won’t go into that now. So in that moment of the justifying thoughts coming up as they were set to do out of habit I laughed at myself and the ridiculousness of it, because I realize I am just here and I do not require any justification to be here or make me feel ok about being here, because I realize it was me making me uncomfortable in the first place and I simply don’t have to do that. So then I was simply here, walking, and I didn’t need to ‘know where I was going’ or ‘have a purpose to be there’- no justifications- just me here- and so I walked. I looked around as I walked, I breathed, I felt my body as I walked, I smelled the smells in the air, heard the bugs chirping. And anytime any sort of experience tried to come up within me- I stopped it. I simply said no and didn’t allow it. Period.
I noticed sometimes I would feel a bit ‘wobbly’ while walking- as if I was ‘falling behind’ while my legs were still going- fascinating- I am wobbly in the knees as if they don’t know which way to go/bend/stick out- the knees which correspond to memories, fascinating- so when I noticed this ‘disconnectedness’ happen I would immediately ‘take charge’ again, so to speak, where I would stop ‘lagging behind my legs’, lol, but I would actually ‘step in’ and start directing myself as each leg taking each step- and my balance would stabilize. Just like I did with the thoughts where if a particular experience tried to come up within myself toward something in my environment I would ‘step in’ as myself, ‘take charge’ of myself rather than give power to the thoughts/feelings/emotions- and I would remain here simply as myself here. It was very cool and supportive to really push that point of simply being here and not allowing any shit going on inside me, and seeing that I can do that- now I will have to keep pushing and walking that until it is who I am in fact
Oh, man, awesome! I have just realized how I have still been participating in fears and self-image when in public. I experience myself much much more relaxed in public than i used to, but I see there is still points where I fear to be seen a certain way, like, don’t want to be seen looking a certain way or doing something a certain way, and I have been kind of suppressing these ‘little’ things like, telling myself ‘don’t worry about it’ ‘you know it doesnt matter’, etc, but like it’s not actually facing it and proving it to myself to be invalid and then standing as that realization, as the example for all that it’s simply not valid, thus I have still been living as an example of accepting self-judgment and fear. No More! I will Not accept and allow that Abuse to exist in my World!
This is a Fascinating Point I have been realizing lately, the point of ‘Not allowing abuse’ in myself and thus in my world, as I have existed as the programmed personality of a ‘push-over’, or ‘doormat’ basically, for most of my life, where I was afraid to stand up for myself, as I was taught not to as a child, as most children are, you are not supposed to ‘talk back’ to your parents, so even when they are being abusive toward you, you cannot say anything or stand up for yourself and certainly can’t defend yourself when you are so small.
And also the point of ‘do not wait to be abused’ before you take action. It is so cool to realize these points and push myself to stand up for myself and actually take action to not allow abuse! Me living as and believing myself ‘stuck’ in the design of being a ‘doormat’ is a major part of why I preferred to isolate myself from people more and more, as much as possible, because I didn’t have an effective firewall so to speak, hahaha, which was something I went thru with my computer within the last year or so when I bought my first computer myself- picked out the parts, put it together- then got slammed with viruses and stuff because I had no idea about how to protect my system from attacks- something I had obviously neglected within myself as well!
I would get myself into all sorts of abusive situations! out of fear and not knowing how to stand up for myself- I ended up in some relationships because I allowed myself to be manipulated out of fear- where one threatened to kill themself if I wouldn’t be with them- yet even at the time I realized it would not be my responsibility if he did that. And many relationships I allowed to go on when I knew it was abuse, I mean any kind of relationships- boyfriends, friends, family, etc. I was not a ‘stander-upper’ I was a ‘bend-over-and-take-it-er’. One relationship I allowed to continue for absurdly longer than it should have- as if to see just what extent I will go in ‘bending over’ and not standing up and taking response-ability for myself- seeing where am I response-able? How am I able to respond? Instead I would go into fears and justifications of why I’m NOT able to respond. What a fuck up, lol.
This point of not allowing abuse has really opened up for me within participating on Youtube where I started banning people who were obviously intending to just be abusive. And that is really the important point- is to recognize when I actually can tell that someone is being abusive- Realizing that in fact, I have always known- so I am not able to tell myself ‘maybe I am misjudging’, ‘what if I’m wrong’, oh and I used to have a philosophy that ‘I’d rather initially trust everyone until they prove me wrong, because I wouldn’t want to distrust a person who is actually trustworthy’ which seems to make sense, but how I applied it was as an excuse and justification because I did not actual apply the point of ‘until they prove me wrong’. What happened was rather, that I set up a relationship with a person wherein I defined myself within the relationship as ‘trusting’ the person, and once that was established, I had a difficult if not impossible time changing who I was toward the person, if they did end up ‘proving me wrong’ so to speak. So to ‘avoid’ having to change who I was and face the possible and probable reactions of others, I just deluded myself into thinking that nothing was really going on, I wasn’t really being abused, and I was ok anyway. Setting up a system, a thick system, of justifications, excuses, reasons, which would form a nice tight lockdown and pretty effectively prevent me from ever standing up for myself in any situation. Things would have to get pretty extreme before I would act, and it was usually an act in the essence of ‘running away’, certainly not standing up and facing the situation.
So enough of that fuckup. And also, to not stand up is to allow the other person to be abusive, which is abusive in itself for me to not stand up and allow them to be abusive toward me, in effect providing them a ‘point’ or ‘target’ to be abusive toward. So it is simply actually spiteful to all life to not stand up and stop allowing abuse.
So walking thru these points lately ‘comes in handy’ for realizing this point of still having fears in public, where I am ‘giving in’ to excuses to just suppress or ignore the fears and ‘carry on’ in spite of them, where I see how I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be abused’ by others reactions to me, rather than standing up for and as myself and not allowing or validating the abuse of judgment within or without myself. Where I have been ‘giving power’ to the reactions others have had toward me, instead of taking and standing as self-responsibility- to say ‘fuck you’ to ‘judgment’ and stand as self-acceptance without fear. I realize that I can actually walk myself thru these fears when they come up, rather than go into the patterns of suppression, but actually walk myself right into them so that I actually face them, and expose myself as the man behind my curtain, pulling my fear strings to get me to do the doormat-dance- Till here, no further!
Some points I was looking at today were to do with ‘debating common sense’, and what I see is it is simply not valid to debate common sense. Obviously, common sense is what stands as common sense and thus would not be ‘debatable’. What is the actual purpose of debate, when within the realization that common sense stands, there is nothing to debate? Because there is really an extensive amount of debate that goes on, everywhere in this world. Obviously we are not sticking to common sense, and debating is utilized to compete opposing interests in separation of ‘common interest’, meaning where one wants something for themself without consideration of others. We use debating to ‘fight’ to ‘protect’ our interest…from each other…yet this is an endless battle which can so simply be solved- we consider what is in the best interest of all, equally- then what is there to ‘protect’ your interest from? It is already ‘protected’. There is nothing ‘threatening’ it. When we consider and do what is in the best interest of all equally. And this is not a difficult thing to do! You stick to what can be verified as common sense best for all- such as: in this physical reality one requires food, shelter, water to live. Common sense! And yet we have accepted and allowed a monetary system which prevents some from having access to these very basic things that are necessary to live. A system which not only causes extensive suffering and poverty but that actually enslaves and limits all of humanity itself. Our expression is so extensively limited and suppressed, we have been busy diminishing and diminishing, and what we do express is preprogrammed- we have not actually ever been here as Life- we have only existed as robots moving according to impulse and stimuli. We will laugh and joke about it on one hand, and virulently deny it on another- fascinating fuck up isn’t it!
So back to the point of debating. It going to take ‘awhile’ to walk thru the cycles of ‘debate’ we have programmed within ourselves. It’s just like stopping any habit/pattern or addiction- the thoughts, temptations, manerisms, etc. will continue coming up until they have played out, until we have stood and faced them and not given them energy anymore and they finally stop coming up at all, and we have lived the change and become the change in fact. As we walk this process of realization of who we really are as equal and one and stop the abusive delusion of self interest in separation, unveil and delete the points of self interest we have built into who we are as a personality design- there is gonna be ‘flare-ups’, let’s call it, where common sense will be faced with much debate, which is no surprise- as this is how common sense has become so ignored and ‘unseen’- we have been busy ‘debating’ it away, ‘apparently’. Yet, common sense is not debatable as we established already, so what is actually happening is we are simply ‘deceiving ourself’. ‘Convincing’ ourself that what is common sense is not common sense- major fuckup.
We have really formed a massive system/network of ‘debating’, it’s like accepted on such a subconscious/unconscious level that ‘debating’ is actually a relevant thing to do- we’re taught/learned/conditioned to ‘debate’ as if it’s just ‘what is done’, and there is extensive justification and excuse for why it must be so/why it is apparently necessary, but we’ve missed that point of it’s simply not valid- and is actually for the purpose of ‘protecting/defending’ one’s interest in separation. But fascinatingly, it takes a lot of practice and effort to be effective at debating, because you have to learn how to manipulate and push buttons and be ‘convincing’, much like NLP, in fact, just like it- taking advantage of buried emotional symbolic preogramming to manipulate. It’s not about simply presenting facts, but it’s about using facts to ‘prove your point’ or ‘win an argument’. It’s like, if we simply presented facts, we wouldn’t then know what to do with them because it has always been about ‘fighting’ and ‘winning’.
So I have been clearing up this point of ‘debating’ in myself and in my world, and what I’ve realized is that even if I stop debating within myself I must still face it in my outside world as well. It’s really fascinating to face it in my outside world as that will reflect to me how effective or not I have been and on which points specifically do I still debate within myself, or do I fall for justifications, and that I do not fully stand as. It’s cool like, to test my application of self-honesty. So, in regards to this point of debating, what I have been busy clearing up lately is when I bring up a common sense point and another tries to debate it, is to not ‘take de-bait’, within the realization that there is nothing to ‘debate’. And that they trying to debate the point is like them opening up and bringing out and exposing the justifications they have programmed themself with, the justifications they use to remain in self-delusion, and that they are simply trying to hang on to the delusion out of fear and self-interest, and if I then take ‘de-bait’, and participate in debating the point, going into defense of the point, I am actually then invalidating it and ‘showing/saying’ to them that yes it is debatable and you can continue deluding yourself- and there I am responsible for supporting them to remain in their delusion and thus supporting the bullshit and abuse in this world- so I stop debating- I will not take de-bait. I stand as common sense, which is not debatable. So that we can stop this ‘debating’ debacle and get busy living instead of fighting each other!
Ok, I notice I’ve had resistance to writing, so I am pushing now to write. I realize the moer I write the more I will be able to see myself as who I am as what I accept and allow myself to exist as and support to exist in this world. I have been frustrated at myself for wanting to be able to express myself freely, within writing or speaking, where I can just flow- where the words can just flow out- currently it is like I must take time most of the time to get clear about what I am expressing and as I look at that now I ask myselfwhy is that so? As I have been asking myself within the rustration but not walking any further, simply stopping at the frustration, thus keeping myself stuck in the patterns which prevent me from expressing instantly in a moment here. I must realize that it takes time and labor to be able to express myself here freely- ok that is not coming out right- It will take time and labor to clear myself and all my patterns to get to a point where I simply express myself here in a moment without hesitation. It is that typical mental delusion of wanting to be at the ‘jackpot’ already, without considering what actually must be done to get the result. It is the trap of the design of ‘wanting’- where you are busy with ‘wanting’ rather than ‘doing’ what it takes. ‘Wanting’ is thus irrelevant and backwards. As much is currently in this world.
So I have a like a ‘block’ where as I sit here at my computer with the time now to write, this ‘block’ comes up like- ‘what to wirte about my day? what to talk about? I don’t know’- which is funny to write out because it’s like- ok, what to talk about? Lol, I mean- answer the fucking question! It’s that simple, lol. So, I’ve been wanting to make some vids about Equal Money System, and well, vids about everything, many things, and been getting frustrated that ‘I haven’t/can’t already’- you know, the ‘instant gratification’ system, which does not apply to doing things in this physical reality! So I suggest to myself to write out what points I have towards making videos so I can see more clearly what is going on, where ‘Im at’, ‘who I am’ within and toward making videos so that i can get more effective at that. It’s already cool just to be making vids but I see that writing about it will really be effective. ‘I balk just thinking about it’- hahahah, yeah exactly the thinking about it is the fuckup! And do I want to accept the limitation? No fucking way. Not any more. I have spent so much of my life justifying my own limitation! JUSTIFYING MY OWN LIMITATION!
WTF! Till here no further! I do not accept myself to justify limitation- that doesn’t make any sense!!
So when I experience a resistance like to writing, I will not accept that! I realize that it’s a pattern of limitation for me to pull out an expose and delete- and walk the change.
I am calling myself out now and saying I will push myself to start writing everyday- no excuse or justification!