Oh, man, awesome! I have just realized how I have still been participating in fears and self-image when in public. I experience myself much much more relaxed in public than i used to, but I see there is still points where I fear to be seen a certain way, like, don’t want to be seen looking a certain way or doing something a certain way, and I have been kind of suppressing these ‘little’ things like, telling myself ‘don’t worry about it’ ‘you know it doesnt matter’, etc, but like it’s not actually facing it and proving it to myself to be invalid and then standing as that realization, as the example for all that it’s simply not valid, thus I have still been living as an example of accepting self-judgment and fear. No More! I will Not accept and allow that Abuse to exist in my World!
This is a Fascinating Point I have been realizing lately, the point of ‘Not allowing abuse’ in myself and thus in my world, as I have existed as the programmed personality of a ‘push-over’, or ‘doormat’ basically, for most of my life, where I was afraid to stand up for myself, as I was taught not to as a child, as most children are, you are not supposed to ‘talk back’ to your parents, so even when they are being abusive toward you, you cannot say anything or stand up for yourself and certainly can’t defend yourself when you are so small.
And also the point of ‘do not wait to be abused’ before you take action. It is so cool to realize these points and push myself to stand up for myself and actually take action to not allow abuse! Me living as and believing myself ‘stuck’ in the design of being a ‘doormat’ is a major part of why I preferred to isolate myself from people more and more, as much as possible, because I didn’t have an effective firewall so to speak, hahaha, which was something I went thru with my computer within the last year or so when I bought my first computer myself- picked out the parts, put it together- then got slammed with viruses and stuff because I had no idea about how to protect my system from attacks- something I had obviously neglected within myself as well!
I would get myself into all sorts of abusive situations! out of fear and not knowing how to stand up for myself- I ended up in some relationships because I allowed myself to be manipulated out of fear- where one threatened to kill themself if I wouldn’t be with them- yet even at the time I realized it would not be my responsibility if he did that. And many relationships I allowed to go on when I knew it was abuse, I mean any kind of relationships- boyfriends, friends, family, etc. I was not a ‘stander-upper’ I was a ‘bend-over-and-take-it-er’. One relationship I allowed to continue for absurdly longer than it should have- as if to see just what extent I will go in ‘bending over’ and not standing up and taking response-ability for myself- seeing where am I response-able? How am I able to respond? Instead I would go into fears and justifications of why I’m NOT able to respond. What a fuck up, lol.
This point of not allowing abuse has really opened up for me within participating on Youtube where I started banning people who were obviously intending to just be abusive. And that is really the important point- is to recognize when I actually can tell that someone is being abusive- Realizing that in fact, I have always known- so I am not able to tell myself ‘maybe I am misjudging’, ‘what if I’m wrong’, oh and I used to have a philosophy that ‘I’d rather initially trust everyone until they prove me wrong, because I wouldn’t want to distrust a person who is actually trustworthy’ which seems to make sense, but how I applied it was as an excuse and justification because I did not actual apply the point of ‘until they prove me wrong’. What happened was rather, that I set up a relationship with a person wherein I defined myself within the relationship as ‘trusting’ the person, and once that was established, I had a difficult if not impossible time changing who I was toward the person, if they did end up ‘proving me wrong’ so to speak. So to ‘avoid’ having to change who I was and face the possible and probable reactions of others, I just deluded myself into thinking that nothing was really going on, I wasn’t really being abused, and I was ok anyway. Setting up a system, a thick system, of justifications, excuses, reasons, which would form a nice tight lockdown and pretty effectively prevent me from ever standing up for myself in any situation. Things would have to get pretty extreme before I would act, and it was usually an act in the essence of ‘running away’, certainly not standing up and facing the situation.
So enough of that fuckup. And also, to not stand up is to allow the other person to be abusive, which is abusive in itself for me to not stand up and allow them to be abusive toward me, in effect providing them a ‘point’ or ‘target’ to be abusive toward. So it is simply actually spiteful to all life to not stand up and stop allowing abuse.
So walking thru these points lately ‘comes in handy’ for realizing this point of still having fears in public, where I am ‘giving in’ to excuses to just suppress or ignore the fears and ‘carry on’ in spite of them, where I see how I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be abused’ by others reactions to me, rather than standing up for and as myself and not allowing or validating the abuse of judgment within or without myself. Where I have been ‘giving power’ to the reactions others have had toward me, instead of taking and standing as self-responsibility- to say ‘fuck you’ to ‘judgment’ and stand as self-acceptance without fear. I realize that I can actually walk myself thru these fears when they come up, rather than go into the patterns of suppression, but actually walk myself right into them so that I actually face them, and expose myself as the man behind my curtain, pulling my fear strings to get me to do the doormat-dance- Till here, no further!