I hadn’t been for a walk in some time. A walk with no particular goal, but just to walk. Right awway what I realized is that before I would have thoughts running- anytime I would go for a walk- I ‘needed’ to have thoughts running in the background- thoughts that would ‘make me feel ok’ to be walking, at that particular place, at that particular time, in that particular environment, wearing those particualr clothes, every fucking thing- there was a thought for it- all to create exactly how I was experiencing myself in that moment, place, event, situation. So much programming- its how you get ‘ambiance’- it’s not a thing that’s there, that’s actually here in the physical- its resonant programming- symbols linked with feelings and emotions- ‘brain washing’. ‘mind control’. we are fucking robots. living in an illusion, missing the real world right here. crazy, delusional. Where do ‘crazy’ and ‘delusional’ come from? Did we make them? Did we name them? Don’t you think we’d Know What The Fuck They Are? Obviously we Don’t. Ah well, Missing that We Are In a Delusion kinda fits right in with Being In a Delusion I suppose! It Makes a delusional kind of Sense!
So on this walk, I first noticed how I would have these thoughts come up to justify me being where i was, ‘on a walk’, meaning- thoughts that were supposed to ‘make me feel comfortable being here’, like it’s ‘ok for me to be here’, or ‘I’m supposed to be here’- ‘I have a reason to be here’- and of course the thoughts would be specific to whatever was in my environment- if there were people around- specific thoughts would come up to ‘make myself ok with that’, and so on with anything else that might be around or come up like, what time of day is it, is it dark? what is the weather? What ind of surface am I walking on? What kind of ‘outfit’ do I have on? All these things, every little detail had to be registered and accounted for but- not simply just ‘registered’ as in- taking in what’s here as my physical environment- no no no- taking everything in my environment and determining how ‘I feel about it’, what ‘I think about it’ but- back then I saw it as how ‘it made me feel’ and what ‘it made me think’ as in- I took ‘for granted’ that certain things would ‘make me feel’ a certain way and that’s just ‘how it was’. fascinating. which often frustrated me because this felt very enslaving, lol, which makes sense because it is enslavement. I often didn’t like how I would experience myself in just about any situation, and ‘wished’ I ‘didn’t have to feel that way’ or rather I wished that ‘it didn’t make me feel that way’. Almost completely missing the point that- nothing is actually able to get inside me to create these experiences, thoughts, feelings, emotions- except myself. I had of course been rather extensively trained my whole life to react to things outside of me as if they do have control over how I experience myself within myself. Ok, so skip back to now where I realize that nothing outside of me can actually control how I experinece myself within myself and have been walking this process for almost 3 years now? this process of ‘taking back control’ in a way, wherein I am ‘taking back’ every part of myself I gave away to something outside/separate from myself- meaning where i had allowed myself to be programmed with specific reactions to specific things, so that my environment literally acts as ‘impulsing’ me t have a certain experience based on my specific programming. Like, being nervous if there’s people around. So on this walk when I- oh yes the thoughts that would come up to make me feel ok- well the point i had missed with that is ‘why did I not ‘feel ok’ in the first place- because here was thoughts, feelings, emotions coming up already according to how I was being impulsed by my specific environment in that moment- so the thoughts to ‘make me feel comfortable’ were attempting to cope with the Already existing thoughts, which were impulsing me to ‘not feel comfortable’. This kind of shit is literally Delusional, and literally we are all Doing it- you can see it physically manifested- but I won’t go into that now. So in that moment of the justifying thoughts coming up as they were set to do out of habit I laughed at myself and the ridiculousness of it, because I realize I am just here and I do not require any justification to be here or make me feel ok about being here, because I realize it was me making me uncomfortable in the first place and I simply don’t have to do that. So then I was simply here, walking, and I didn’t need to ‘know where I was going’ or ‘have a purpose to be there’- no justifications- just me here- and so I walked. I looked around as I walked, I breathed, I felt my body as I walked, I smelled the smells in the air, heard the bugs chirping. And anytime any sort of experience tried to come up within me- I stopped it. I simply said no and didn’t allow it. Period.
I noticed sometimes I would feel a bit ‘wobbly’ while walking- as if I was ‘falling behind’ while my legs were still going- fascinating- I am wobbly in the knees as if they don’t know which way to go/bend/stick out- the knees which correspond to memories, fascinating- so when I noticed this ‘disconnectedness’ happen I would immediately ‘take charge’ again, so to speak, where I would stop ‘lagging behind my legs’, lol, but I would actually ‘step in’ and start directing myself as each leg taking each step- and my balance would stabilize. Just like I did with the thoughts where if a particular experience tried to come up within myself toward something in my environment I would ‘step in’ as myself, ‘take charge’ of myself rather than give power to the thoughts/feelings/emotions- and I would remain here simply as myself here. It was very cool and supportive to really push that point of simply being here and not allowing any shit going on inside me, and seeing that I can do that- now I will have to keep pushing and walking that until it is who I am in fact