Lately I’ve had a little thought pattern popping up- it’s basis was in ‘self-doubt’ in regards to the point of sexual/relationship addiction. Currently where I’m at in terms of this point is I no longer am enslaved in any way to energetic buildups, created through a process of participating in and as- and compounding- which is how sexual addiction work- by repeated participation and compounding of desires as energetic feelings/experiences within oneself attached to specific pictures/thoughts within the mind until the energetic ‘charge’ becomes so extensive that it require to be released, as the buildup of energy becomes ‘too much’ for the physical to contain anymore without extensive discomfort or pain, therefore one becomes driven through apparent ‘necessity’ to do what is necessary to release this built-up charge, which you will even note that this is how the experience of it is actually often described- as feeling like a ‘big release’, or ‘explosion’ and afterwards feeling ‘drained of energy’, ‘tired’.
This is really cool because when I was within and as the addiction to this point I experienced alot of frustration and aggravation towards being so enslaved, wherein ‘releasing this charge’ became something that I HAD to do, I had no choice, and if I wasn’t, for whatever reason, able to do so, I would suffer. The desire would build to a point where I felt ‘ready to explode’ and then this point would completely take-over and I would be enslaved to it, like perhaps comparable to a cat in heat type situation, where one is literally possessed by the point, and it becomes rather difficult or even impossible to do or think about anything else, until one has ‘satisfied’ this point. Then, as soon as that is done, as soon as the build up of energy is released, there is a great feeling of relief, just like how it feels great to stop hitting your thumb with a hammer. Yes, it is that ridiculous, isn’t it.
I didn’t always think so, obviously, or I would never have fallen for the ‘illusion’. Illusion? Yeah, the illusion that this whole recycling repeating process of building/compounding to the point of needing to release, is actually ‘enjoyable’ or ‘wanted’ or ‘good’ or ‘desireable’ or ‘pleasureable’. And I say this realising that many of you will not be at a point where you can even conceive of that, because I was also at that same ‘perception’ myself- I couldn’t imagine (rather, ‘didn’t want to’) not participating in this behavior, I feared that to give up this point, to stop feeding this desire, I would lose something that I had come to believe that I enjoyed so much and believe that I simply couldn’t live without, as I literally required the releases due to it building up and compounding to the point where it is ‘too much’. I mean, you will here it extensively said that – “this is part of our nature” – “it’s something we HAVE to do” – “it’s a natural instinct” – “I can’t help it” – “it’s hardwired” – “it’s evolution” – “it’s the whole point to life” – “it’s part of being human” – ..and on and on, there is extensive ‘justifications’ for this point which is obvious because you can see how obviously big a point this is, as it is taken advantage of everywhere, for example, within advertising “sex sells” – who hasn’t heard that -and- KNOWS it to be TRUE?
But, obviously, like any addict who is addicted to any thing, we will justify our desire in any way possible, as you can see we have done with this point. It is obvious that we are addicted to this point, and allow it to control and direct us- I mean, how many stories can you think of about some of the things we have done and extremes we have gone to in regards to this point- I mean, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, there is whole INDUSTRIES built around this where children are kidnapped and to be sex slaves for some to turn a profit- this is THE TRUTH of ACCEPTING and ALLOWING this ADDICTION. Suddenly it is not so funny anymore to be joking around about how you can’t help yourself, because that is the same thing the person who rapes, and the person who pays for a child prostitute thinks as well. Which makes it no different. To participate in the system, is to validate it and accept it and allow it to exist in this world- this makes every single individual who is addicted to sex, responsible for the sexual abuse that exists in this world, responsible for every child that is raped. <– I mean, WTF!?! to even be able to say something like that, that that even happens, is so unbelievably BEYOND FUCKED UP. Realizing that alone should be enough to get you to consider this point and what is the real outflows and consequences of what you accept and allow, who you accept and allow yourself to be and live as. And if you are thinking you could care less, ‘thank god’ you will DIE and be ERASED from this world. If it wasn’t for Death, we’d be stuck with every Abuser that ever existed, so I am grateful for Death indeed, and ‘hopefully’ someday we will not require that support any longer, but until then, thank you Death.
So, even if you are not the ‘type’ to give a shit about ‘others’, what I found within my questioning and challenging of this addiction, is that it was actually preventing me from experiencing REAL PLeasure, REAL enjoyment, that is SO BEYOND and in fact, totally opposite the point of being ‘driven’ by addiction wherein you are possessed by the point of addiction/desire and therefore you are actually just experiencing the ‘addiction/desire’ itself, and you are not ‘actually here’ experiencing the actual physical, but rather going into your mind and ‘feeding off of’ pictures and thoughts in order to ‘build a charge’ to be released- wherein sex becomes a chore, a ‘job’, a ‘duty’, an ‘obligation’- wherein it’s not actual self expression as self here, fully, aware, here, not in your mind experiencing energetic reactions inside yourself, but here experiencing the actual physical experience, you cannot even understand what a vast, vast, difference this is until you actually do it. And to do this, you have to let go, completely, of the attachment, of the addiction- you have to let go of that which you fear to lose- yet if you can do that, you will find that what you ‘lost’.. was Nothing- and what you have gained.. is REAL. And if you have ever had ‘imitation’ anything- you know the REAL thing is infinitely BETTER.
So, if you Dare, to test yourself, to challenge the limitations of your mind, let go of your beliefs, push thru your fears, and see what you’ve been missing, which has been here all along… hehehehe =D
Stop participation in the Mind- stop Addiction by Breathing through the patterns, and Assist and Support yourself to really actually LIVE.
So back to the original point, in regards to a point of self doubt I had regarding this point- it was a thought which said- ‘How can you be sure you will Stand if faced with the ‘opportunity’ to have sex, since it is not ‘in front of me’ right now/here?’ So what I did was to ‘place myself’ ‘within’ this question- meaning, to ‘walk myself through’ the question/scenario, and see what comes up. So I looked at what all would be occurring/happening if that point were ‘here’ now- and what I realized is that the bullshit I used to accept or ‘ignore’ and the ways that I used to compromise myself, in situations in order to manipulate for an outcome of sex, I will simply see right through, and it is simply not possible for me to accept these things anymore, as I have proved this to myself within my process aver the last couple years, as I have walked this point through to a point where I stand and am no longer enslaved within a point of addiction. I am able to no longer participate in the building and compounding of the charge to the point where I will compromise myself in order to manipulate for sex, and therefore I do not fear that that might happen. It is so cool, to see this now, that I have ‘taken myself back’ from this point, and that I indeed lost nothing and gained everything. And I keep walking, til I stand absolute in allways.
Thanks Desteni, for all the support