Yesterday at a point I realized that I had been studying about the subject of how to make/start a business and had been doing so, plugging away through various articles and information and was ‘taken by surprise’ in a way, that I had been going-at-it studying this topic without even ‘thinking about it’, because in the past this is not the sort of thing I would ‘want’ to seek out to study, and would have experienced the studying/reading with resistance, where, it would have felt ‘difficult’ to stay focused and there would be points coming up of thoughts like ‘pulling’ me away from the research.
So, this was yet another moment of realizing/seeing how I have changed thus far in process, where resistances are disappearing and simply falling away and I ‘forget’ they were even ever there. Quite fascinating. And quite enjoyable. And quite cool. To just be able to do what it is I’d actually like to do, that which is actually practical to do, wherein in this case, I saw it would be cool to understand how to make/have a business and I simply went into researching that point and there was never a point of hesitation or resistance to do so or while doing so.
Before I came across Desteni and began this process of becoming aware of myself as how I currently exist, I was afflicted with the point of severely diminished and limited attention span. I have been correcting this point since I realized what a limitation this was, to the point where I actually experienced physical difficulty and found myself unable to focus on something for an amount of time without becoming distracted to the point where I’d just give up on whatever I was trying to work with. I had practically stopped reading books, I had no attention span for that- I didn’t want to ‘waste’ time with just print on a page, when I can be watching videos which have pictures and sounds which are ‘far more interesting’- hahaha- I was addicted to pictures and sounds and created such a resistance to where I couldn’t ‘be bothered’ to just READ something.
At first it didn’t even ‘occur’ to me that this was a limitation, I thought it was ‘what I wanted’, like that I ‘should/ought’ to or that it ‘made sense’ to prefer things that I’d defined as ‘more entertaining’ such as videos- I mean, if it didn’t have pictures and sounds then I just assumed almost on a subconscious level even that ‘why would I be interested in this?’ But when I realized that I had gotten to a point where I was no longer really learning anything or was even able to effectively study anything- well this really Pissed Me Off.I mean, I thought I was a ‘smart person’ and here I couldn’t even study anything with commitment and attention.
School, being in college has been really assisting in this point, haha, of course it has, because it is in school that I really had to face this point of really ‘buckling down’ and within deadlines must effectively learn/process information. So I’ve had to push through resistances toward that, which was pretty extensive, as I’d built up a resistance toward specifically ‘homework’, ‘doing homework’, where I’d experience quite a strong resistance when preparing to do some homework or study or do the assigned reading, where it felt like a ‘pulling’ like a ‘force’ actually pulling me away from the work at hand. But I did not accept this, because otherwise I may as well give up and that’s in essence what I had done already within what I had ‘built up/accumulated’ by participating in these points of resistance for so long, where I had perpetuated this behavior to the point that it had become programmed in.
So now I am ‘busy’ unprogramming these resistances, and it is so cool to be expanding myself, rather than diminishing. Writing/blogging is so assisting in this point as well. I’ve had to push myself to write and still do and the resistance is becoming less. Especially when I remember that the point of writing is to assist myself, is to use writing as self-assistance in expanding myself in terms of becoming effective at expressing myself within and as the written word. Sometimes I fall into a point of seeing writing as a chore that I must force myself to do, lol, and by doing that I yes will get some experience with writing and expressing myself but it will be somewhat ‘by accident’, and I would rather walk this point as and within a point of self-direction, wherein I am the directive principle and I am doing this for myself in awareness of why I am doing it. And when I realize/remember how effectively supportive a tool writing is that I can utilize to expand myself, it’s like, why was there even resistance? It comes back to that point of I’ve defined ‘entertainment’, the ‘relationship’ I’ve been towards that, and what I’ve defined as ‘entertaining’. I have proven to myself that those points are not valid, and now it is simply a process of remaining consistent within that realization to support myself to continue pushing/walking through til these points will, inevitably, be gone and no longer relevant.