Sit Still

I notice when I’m at the comp researching or on the forums or watching vids, I get this urge/feeling/desire/need to be doing something else and I often end up smoking cigarettes repeatedly to keep my hands( mind really) occupied, or I will have the urge to snack, and occasionally(usually when I have already just snacked and had a smoke, my mind starts to wander thinking what else should I be doing now, like I should be getting soemthing done while just sitting here, usually if I have ben at the comp for several hours at a time. I think this habit was really ground in several years ago when I got out of the last relationship I was in and formed a mindset of ‘now lets get shit done to make up for all the time I wasted in relationships’, and basically I treated myself as my own personal slave worker, haha slave driver/slave worker all in one. I pushed myself to be the ultimate ‘multitasker’ and to stop for nothing. I didn’t allow myself to take breaks, and times when I felt I had not accomlished enough I was very hard on myself. I looked back at my past and judged myself for having been so apparently lazy, thinking all these years gone by and whats to show for it? And what could I have gotten done, where could I be now, if I had applied myself more, in the past. Thus allowing my past and judgments of my past to direct me here, now. Part of keeping myself so busy was also to distract myself from reality by keeping busy with projects and such which weer not always practical or neccessary, i was literally addicted to doing stuff and would seek different projects to do just to keep myself busy/distracted. If I found myself sitting still for a moment, instantly I would start looking for something I could be getting done. I did happen to get a lot done, and a lot of experience with various projects and such, but I was way too hard on myself, wore myself out, spread myself to thin, and my starting point was of self-interest which influenced what I chose to do.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘wasting time’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I’ve done/not done in the past.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat myself/my body as my own personal slave.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience the need to be constantly doing something.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to set standards for what/how much I must get done.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize it is ok to take a break, to be still.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be still.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to snack, smoke, in order to keep myself feeling occupied.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to think I need to be occupied.

I forgive msyelf that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to in the moment of having the urge to do something/be occupied, to stop.

Self-Movement

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to have someone to follow.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait/hope for someone to stand as an example for me to follow, instead of directing myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be unstable, believing myself to not be stable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience stability, not realizing that I AM stable. I AM stable, in the moment, as breath, as me here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for another to serve as a guide for me and how to direct myself. I direct myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize I direct me, I move me, not waiting for someone else to guide me, lead me, or show me where to go/what to do/how to act.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait til something happens before I move myself, moving myself only in response to something, instead of directing myself in self-movement in the moment, here, not requiring something to respond to or act toward.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in the moment to direct myself, instead waiting for someone to do/say something or something to happen before I move myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in the moment, to move myself, from a starting point of what is best for all one and equal.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience self-doubt, instead of realizing I AM self-trust, here, as breath, in each and every moment. I stand as Self-trust.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to place my trust in another, to ‘show me the way’, instead of standing as self-trust, self-movement, self-direction as me, here, in each and every moment.

I move me. I do not require something to react to, I do not require something to motivate me to move. I move me, I direct myself, in and as self-trust.

diary of sorts: at work

Coworker was talking about his children’s homework where one of his children was given an assignment to look up info about France on the internet. Apparently the child had found some erroneous information and D was expressing frustration and dislike for children being given assignments to find info from the internet, stating that a blog is not an accurate source of information and how does a child know how to use the inernet and shouldn’t tehy be first given explanation or direction on what is a trustworthy source of information on the internet.

H emeantioned Wiki, to which I pointed out that information on wiki is added and changed by anyone. An encyclopedia type site was also mentioned. I started to point out/question what is a trustworthy site? Is any? Or do you have to trust yourself? He became frustrated and in a tense voice stated ‘I don’t want to get into this’ or something to the effect. I think this may have to do with previous events in whcih I tried to share information with him about what’s going on in the government which he did not want to hear and challenged the fact that I had gotten the info from the internet coming from that programmed perception of the internet as being a scary deceptive thing.

I was frustrated at his frustration, and took it personal that he would make such a tense forceful directive statement toward me, and so I stopped and let it go, to not come from a point of reaction. It felt like I was holding myself back, silencing myself, but I did not trust myself in that moment because I knew I had reacted by taking it personal and I would have come from a starting point of judgement.

I felt like he didn’t want to go into it because of his own self-doubt on the subject, his far of the internet-that which he does not understand. I wanted to say you are putting the responsibilty of your childrens education on a teacher/someone else, you do not trust yourself to assist your child in using the internet because you don’t trust yourself in using the internet, becuase you have judged it in fear and not taken the time to explore it and see what it is and how it works, prectical experience. You do not trust yourself as a parent. You hide from your responsibilty by drinking beer, trying to escape reality of being enslaved to job, wife, children, trying to hide from what you percieve is expected from you as a man, what and how you believe you are supposed to be.

I fear being the great destroyer, which implies that I fear being destroyed. I fear being the one to point out dishonesties and having to face others reactions. Fear that I will not be able to not take it personally, to not react, which implies I am still concerned with how I am percieved by another – a.not.her(e)… I fear reacting if someone points out my dishonesties, I judge myself for my dishonesties is why I would take it personally, which is stating that they have power over me, that they can actually affect/control me, when it is actually me affecting/controlling me thru self-judgement for my dishonesties.

Work (in a large misshapen nutshell)

I get freaked out about the people I work with. The amount of judging others that goes on frustrates me. When I started this job i thought since I’m working with relatives, 2 uncles, I thought they would be ‘more like me’ and less like the ‘average’ people who I had judged for being vapid, judgmental, self-interested. Obviously I thought of myself as better than most ‘normal’ people. Because apparently the shit that goes on in my mind makes me so much better, yeah, in the fantasy land of my mind maybe.

So, I started this job with high expectations for these people, and I was nevrous and shy at first, not knowing anything about working on airplanes (which is what i do), being a female in a man’s world and being young to top it off. I did have some skills from odd hobbies working with various materials and tools, and trust in myself (tho shaky) that I can do/learn anything if someone will teach me. Being inexperienced, dependent on the guys to teach me stuff, and being young and female and believeing I would be heavily doubted for that, I placed myself as inferior right from the start. So these guys, I gave them automatic respect, becuase they’re older, more experienced, and they’re family, and i felt intrusive as a girl in their man’s world and didn’t want to ruin the ‘atmosphere’. So I was pretty quiet at first, kept to myself, observed, and was pertty busy focusing on whatever I was doing since I robably had never done it before, and really didn’t want to fuck it up. Before starting this job, I had been jobless for about 9 months, by far the longest amount of time without a job since I started working at age 16 (I think I was 23 when I started this job), so I was desparate to have income to support myself and to be able to move myself in life, being jobless for so long was terrible, well really, it was being moneyless, being dependent on others to support my existence made me feel so useless, hopeless, worthless, as I was quite used to supporting myself and was ashamed that I was not ‘pulling my own weight’. So I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes at this job and risk getting fired, plus it was a ‘better’ job than any of the jobs I’d ever had.

It didn’t take long for me to see how sex-crazed these guys are, just like most, just like myself, tho I kept it much more to myself, my mind that is. No wonder I judged them for it. But i hadn’t expected to get so much direct attention, especially being related. It surprised me and I suppressed myself out of fear of losing my job, so I ‘played along’ like i was ok with it, thinking there was absolutely no way I could speak up or say anything about it. I started to convince myself that it was ok, this is just how men are and the attention, like comments about me being ‘hot’ I allowed to boost my ego/self-image. But them over time it seemed like my acceptance was an inch and they were starting to go for the mile, and I thought fuck, what have I done? I opened the floodgates.

It started to eat away at me, I dreaded more and more going to work, my mind would be going in loops, what are they gonna say to me/about me today, are they going to touch me, etc? I was so afraid to speak up, especially at this point, and I didn’t want to offend anyone and possibly lose my job. Also, they would make jokes/insults about females a lot. They would make a joke/insult about women and then act really nice to me, like ‘over-nice’ as if to make up/say sorry for the insult/joke they made that they’d been laughing about a moment ago in front of me. It made me feel sick.

Then for a while, it became a ‘if you can’t beat’em, join’em’ thing, and in order to ‘avoid being the victim’ in a way, I would participate in the jokes and judgments. It was like I totally sold out. I always felt ill inside after telling a joke or insult or paticipating in one, participating in griping about others behind their back, that sort of thing. I did it to fit in with them, to be accepted, and ‘not disturb the atmosphere’. And I hated myself EXTENSIVELY for it.

So I got sick. Real sick. I was also going thru a weird time with my boyfriend (at the time), pretty much thru all of this. And a weird living situation too. There was a lot of shit going on. A lot of giving my power away. Every aspect of my life was pretty fucked. My boyfriend had not had many sexual experiences in his life and I had made it my duty apparently to make up for this, so I tried to please him whenever he felt like it, nevermind if i wanted to or not, I did it anyway. He had supported me during the time I had no job for 6 months so I felt i owed him and what else did I have to give? So he basicaly would have been happy doing it all the time, and we did it so much that I would become so sore that I couldn’t do it anymore, it was too painful, and I would apologise and feel guilty for letting him down. I also drank a lot of alcohol at the time, he drank, so I drank, everyday, all day pretty much. I think at this time in my life I was trying to see just how bad I could abuse myself. Frequently ld wonder, hey Kelly? When you gonna stop fucking yourself like this? You could end this anytime you know? Just how long you gonna keep this up? You know you are fucking yourself real bad, why are you doing this? Why do yo continue? Why do you allow this? You know you are doing this to yourself?

So I got sick. I got a urinary tract/bladder/kidney infection, it was teribly painful and debilitating. I got over it, but I still did not stop my ways. So I got another. And another. And another. Four infections in less than two years. I thinkit was between the 2nd and 3rd infections that I broke up with my boyfriend. It was not easy. I had been thinking about it as I had realized I couldn’t keep up this life anymore, I was sick and tiring of being fucking sick! And in so much pain, and all the drinking, I had had enough finally. So I was trying to find a way to tell him I wanted to break up, which I’d always had trouble with in relationships, I had been putting it off but I know it was coming out in my behaviour. So I decided that’s it, I will tell him tomorrow, and I was certain about it, I would not let this go on any longer, finally I would grow some balls and speak up. That night, he fell down the stairs and broke his back. Fuck.

So, took him to the hospital, doctors were amazed he still had feeling in his legs and feet, the options were surgery or a back brace, the doctors were weirdly pushy for surgery, he opted for the back brace anyway. So now it was going to be a long road to recovery and I decided this would really not be the time to tell him I want to break up, I decided, since we were living together, that I’d stay with him and help him take care of himself, since he couldn’t walk. I knew that if I broke up with him now or later, either way he’d hate me, so I figured the ‘nice’ thing to do would be to help him out. At first he was pretty preoccupied with the pain and broken back  but eventually as he recovered he realized that things were not the same anymore, so he surprised me one day by asking if I wanted to break up, I apparently surprised him by saying yes, and he proceeded to get quite pissed. So we split up finally.

After that relationship i had somewhat resigned myself to only having imaginary relationships so as to not get into a mess like that again. Like that would work. Anyway, now I was finally ‘free’, able to do what I want, which was to start caring about myself again, as no one else was gonna do it for me, which I realized as my boyfriend(ex) had no problem watching me drink myself into oblivion or having sex with me even if I was sick and in pain. I remember thinking that’s fucked up that he could do that, but realizing no, it’s fucked up that I can do that to myself. I allowed it.

Well, the relationship wth the boyfriend was done, but there was still the relationship with beer, and marijuana, and my work situation. Between infections, I really went full steam ahead with my work, trying to be the ultimate employee, airplane fix-it girl(since i had been getting respect from people who thought it was cool a girl working on old airplanes, and allowed this to feed my ego) working extra hours and studying more at home. So I got sick again. Recovered, went right back into shit. So finally I got really sick. the infection wasn’t even so bad, but I started getting headaches everyday, almost all day, was dizzy all the time, couldn’t think, was sleeping 10-12 hrs when I would be able to sleep inbetween headaches and infection pains. I kept forcing myself to go into work sometimes leaving after an hour or two and then almost getting in an accident on the way home from being so out of it. I was also freaking out that everyone at work was probablt talking shit about me coming in late or maybe saying they don’t think I’m really sick, since most of the time I worked away from everyone else, so they didn’t see me suffer. I knew how much they judge people behind their backs, so I asumed they were judging me too. I had some very emotional and confrontational days.

Oh also, I was house and dog-sitting for some people at the time, so I had extra responsibilties from that and also A LOT of stress since I’d never house sat before and they have a really nice house and property that I was now responsible for for 2-3 months.

So finally one day, I was lyin in bed, thinking Am I dying? I think I am dying. Sure feels like I’m dying. Am I gonna just lay here and die? And I thought fuck my job, fuck everything, it’s not me, I am trying to be what I’m not and I’m gonna kill myself trying. Then I slowly started getting better. I told my boss I was gonna come in less hours and he said ok. And I stopped pushing myself quite so hard. Oh yeah, i had also been doins a side job and taking flying lessons on the weekends and I stopped that too. Shit, it was all just too much, and I wasn’t doing it for me, it was for an idea of what I thought others wanted me to be.

Then the real improvements in work relations started happening after coming across Desteni. Then I looked back and saw how I was responsible for everything I experienced and it made so much sense suddenly, everything I went thru. I realized my work situation is actually the perfect situation to test myself in standing up, lol. Facing everyhting that I’ve allowed and saying, NO MORE. I fall but I stand up again, I learn and apply, and it is already making a difference. Long way still to go, but I am here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others who are older.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe it is my duty to provide sex to a male I am in relationship with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘force’ myself to have sex when sick and in pain.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge T for having sex with me when I was sick and in pain, wondering how could he do this, which was actually me wondering how could I do this to myself?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior for not having a job, a means to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that family means something.

I forgive myself that  I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge others as vapid, judgmental and self-interested, which is really me judging myself for being vapid, judgmental and self-interested, and judgment does nothing, it’s only an excuse to not stand up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration at my coworkers for being judgmental, which is a reaction to my own reflected judgmentalness, and again, judging myself instead of standing up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowe myself to believe that I am better than others for the shit that goes on in my mind, which is not real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I am better than anyone else.

I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to get offended when coworkers make jokes about females, since I have defined myself as female.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as female.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as young.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed msyelf to judge myself as less than other for being younger.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others for being female.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being inexperienced.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my job, as an airplane mechanic.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feed my ego for being a female doing a ‘man’s’ job.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless for not having a job/money.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf o comprimise myself by participating with coworkers in judging others.

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ruining the atmosphere’ at work, thus suppressing myself. Which is me not wanting to face the reactions of others if I speak up, which is protecting my self-image, self-interest.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for participating in judging/insulting others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with T and continue a relationship when I wanted to break up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking up with someone, because I do not want to face the reaction.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel responsible for T breaking his back.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel responsible for taking care of T while he recovered.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allwoed msyelf to abuse myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to experience hate toward myself for abusing myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed msyelf to blame my body for getting sick.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed msyelf to blame my coworkers for what I’ve experienced.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allwoed msyelf to judge myself for working less hours.

Formation of Self-Image 1

I will write an overview of the formation of my self-image in terms of physical appearance to bring up points which I can eventually go further into, probably more specifically in terms of experiences with relationships, drugs, and memories with emotional attatchments, etc.

I have defined myself as cute and/or sexy, among many other things. I was gangly and scrawny when little. Looks of course didnt matter at first, but over time from the living examples around you it seeps in. I wondered if I was pretty, I thought I was kinda funny-looking and breasts took a ‘long’ while to appear. In junior high I was made fun of a bit for being so skinny, ‘chicken-legs’. And a somewhat prominent nose, ‘pinocchio’. I allowed these insults to affect me, I experienced embarrassment, felt depleted, ashamed of myself. i wasn’t popular, I had lost all I owned in a hurricane just before junior high so all my clothes were donated like a rainbow sweater (which I actually liked, but did NOT make me feel cool self-image-wise), so I was pretty ‘dorky’. This according to how i judged myself according to ‘society’s/peers apparent standards’.

Then I decided, maybe I can do this ‘cool/popular’ thing and bought some ‘grungy’ type clothes at a thrift store (this was early-mid ’90s) and bam, i attracted attention of some ‘cool’ kids and suddenly I was popular. Well, I had to ‘act’ cool too, not just dress cool, had to ‘act out the script’ not just ‘wear the costume’. I saw it as a challenge, a game, and decided to play along to see what’s so apparently great about popularity. Thus furthering my self-judgment according to how others percieved me apparently. That is what popularity is basically, how well can you put on an act and get approval from others. Doing tricks for reward. It was tiring maintaining an image/projection of myself. I noticed an interesting thing about popularity, at first I thought I needed ‘cool’ friends to be popular, then I realised that while they were fascilitating my popularity status, I was actually supporting their status too. So we were all each supporting each other’s popularity, funny. None of us actually ‘had’ popularity, you can’t, it’s not real, but we all agreed(silently) to see/treat each other as if we are so we will be percieved that way…hmm..just like relationships. At a point tho, once you have established your apparent ‘coolness’, you have a bit of ‘poetic liscense’ and can express a bit more, as long as it is not too far from the ‘unspoken standards/laws’ of what is cool/not cool. And you become one of the ‘standard/law setters’, since those who are less cool,use your example as to what is cool/not cool. You are at the top, setting the standard for others below you to follow, it is bizzarely humorous in a way, because there is nothing different about you than those ‘below’, only that you are putting on more of an act, sold yourself out more to that act, there you are, defining actively what cool is, and everyone below is following it like it is the ten commandments. What does that tell you about the ten commandments, hehe? What does that tell you about anyone who is in this world in a ‘top’ position, setting standards that those below follow, as if there is some value in these standards, not realizing they were just made up by ordinary humans like them, and only mean something because they believe in it. Hahahhaahahaha

So I started attracting boys and having boyfriends and my self-image/self-esteem fairly skyrocketed. (Tho on the ‘flipside’ home-life was plummeting down a nasty ‘disfunctional family’-spiral) So that made me seek even more ‘happiness/self-esteem/self-worth’ from ‘friends’. I remember thinking, if I can’t get the attention/love/affection I (apparently) need, am supposed to have, deserve to have, etc, I will have to find it elsewhere, I will find it in a personal relationship. These thoughts coming from ideas from outside myself, that which I’d seen on tv, observed in society, family, etc. I slightly wondered at there validty, but there was just so much apparent ‘evidence’ I just accepted it as ‘that’s the way it is’.

So now that I am attracting boys at that point, I am starting to form a self-perception of myself as being attractive. No, actually it does not start here at all, it starts within the family life, from family members and tv/media. It starts from day one, ‘what a beautiful baby’, ‘aren’t you cute’, etc. I was like a doll to my mother, dress me up, play with my hair, get excited and energetic about how cute I am, which is actually the mother getting excited about herself because she sees the child as a reflection of herself. So mothers want their children to look good, so it will reflect good on them. When the child does something they percieve as cute, they are rewarded with praise and affection=positive energy, and they get the opposite of course when doing something not cute. Thus I learned to act cute in order to get positive results. jesus, it starts so young.

I wanted to be percieved as sexy, womanly, this is what I learned every girl wants/is supposed to be, from the examples in my life/family/people/tv/music/books/etc. I was exploring/participating in/accepting the idea/belief that being sexy according to others/males would make me feel good about myself, was neccessary even to feel good about myself and have self-worth.

So, some males were finding me attractive and I started to think maybe I am attractive and started to see myself as attractive, tho I also still thought I looked wierd, so I didn’t quite fully understand how they saw me apparently different than how I saw me. At some point I thought, maybe its the same for them, they see there face everyday, like I see mine, and it quite unspecial since youre used to seeing it every day, so maybe they dont think they are attractive either, which it seemed like I could notice in their behaviour that uncertainty just like i felt.

Wow, when I was younger it was so much easier to see similarities like that between myself and others, but over time you block it out more and more. I remember moments while growing up where I felt more and more the need to hide parts of myself from others, as I learned/was learning/oberving how we all developed these shadow-selves. I remember feeling sad about this and missing how it was when I and others were still able to express more freely. And actually there was less to express, or at least, it was less complex and convoluted. The thoughts and feelings that came up more and more as I grew up seemed so…uninnocent by comparison. Not naughty per se, but more like confusing and wrong, corrupt. And that was most parents/adults view of most kids it seemed at that time, by no coincidence, at all. I wondered is all this shit going on inside others heads too? I guess not because nobody is talking about it, eventually I realized, I was one of those people not talking about it. So we’re all just goin around not talking about this shit, nobody wants to speak out because we’re afraid to damage this self-image we are building.

After a year or two of being popular and building self-image of attractiveness, my family moved and I started in a new school where I was not so popular, it was a much smaller religion-oriented school so it was a different dynamic than the more populated public school I had come from. Here I was more infamous than popular, because I came from outside the bubble of this litlle churchy community and I smoked cigarettes and wasn’t a virgin and didn’t play sports or act ‘goody-goody’ with the adults/authority/teachers. So my self-image now was also a ‘badass’, ‘hard’ kinda thing, which it had been already developing in the public school, but now was exemplified in comparison to the majorily ‘preppy’ kids. The first year there I made a few friends but I didn’t have any relationships which was a blow to my self-esteem, compared to the previous couple years where I’d had several relationships, nearly always in a relationship. Family life was also not good, so I was experiencing intense bouts of depression. I felt depleted, because I had gotten used to all the energy I was getting from my first round of relationships. I judged myself for not being in a relationship for what seemed/felt like so long. Whats’s wrong with me? Am I not attractive? Do i have a bad personality? Maybe something is wrong with them, i justified. How are others perceiving me? Do I need to work on my self-image/act? What can I do to make myself seem more appealing? I desparately craved ‘love’ which was actually: attention/affection/sex=all really energy.

In the previous school, where I was popular, I had started to get tired of being restricted to certain styles, certain music tastes, etc, having to like, wear, do specific things, it was too limited. I wated to express myself and experiece life in other ways. So when I moved to the new school, I took this as like a fresh start, I can create a whole new self-image. So I wore odd clothes, totally mismatched as a polarity reaction to conformity, strict dress code, and like saying haha to all you who want to look normal, and care so much about fitting in/how you look. Tho in this reaction, I was actually supporting the idea that clothes/style does matter/make a difference. Also, i didn’t have any money to buy ‘nice’ or ‘cool’ clothes, so I shopped at thrift stores and bought wierd/odd clothes so i could still have my own sense of personal style based on appearance/fashion. A cool thing was, I developed some tailoring skills thru ‘refurbishing’ the thrift store clothes. So i was trying to prove that style/fashion/clothes didn’t matter is what I told myself, in denial that I was making a statement of the exact opposite. I looked down on myself for my odd style too, thinking what’s wrong with me? Am I crazy? Why am I so weird? Depressed at feeling that I am outcasting myself from societal acceptance, tho I did have a group of friends who of course also had ‘abnormal/defiant/rebellious’ dress styles, so I was not alone in being an outcast. But the main bulk who are conformers treat you different for not complying with the standard system.

At times I thought I would go insane from cravings for sex/relationship. I had really built up a dependency and masturbated fairly frequently to try to ‘deal with the cravings’, using all sorts of pictures in my mind of people and creating fantastical imaginary scenarios. But I still craved ‘the real thing’. Like a drug addict who wants ‘the good stuff’. I would experience sadness, jealousy depression, when seeing other ‘couples’ together appearing to be happy. Not putting two and two together yet to realise that it is all for show. If I look at my own relationships, I wanted to appear like the perfect happy couple in front of others, wanted to project this image of – look at us, we are so happy and wonderful together, I am so cool because I have found a wonderful partner and we are so wonderful together in our wonderful blissful love, just look at us. As if, if others percieved us to be happy and wonderful, then it is true. As if the ‘wonderfulness’ of the relationship itself is dependent on others believing it to be so. IT IS ALL FOR SHOW. And we deny this fact to ourselves!

Humour

I have defined myself as ‘funny’ having a ‘good sense of humour’, prided myself on it, on being able to make people laugh, on apparently being ‘seen as’ funny/humorous. Jack of all trades of humor, dark humor, dry humor, straight-faced humor, dirty humor, potty humor, witty humor, educated humor, stoopid humor, bizzare humor, even sometimes puns. You name it, i can be funny about it (according to my mind). This is one of the perceptions of myself i’ve been entertaining, how I want to be seen by others, because to me funny is cool, of course not just any funny, I have a personal style of funny which makes me specifically cool.

So I would try to live up to this ‘queen of funny’ idea of myself, and anyone who has had similar experience has probbly also discovered that ‘trying’ to be funny does not work, most of the time, and will in some cases largely backfire. Creating for you the coplete opposite experience of the one you’d hoped for.

I have noticed in others how sometimes a ‘humorous’ or ‘joking’ comment is made which is really like an ‘insult in joke’s clothing’. O ran insulting/offensive comment is made, but in a joking way, or they say after ‘just kidding’ or whatever. Then finally I noticed, yeah I do this too. See, I thought I was ‘just kidding’, really had myself convinced, but when I really have a look at it, I see no, I actually did mean it but tried to hide the real intent within it being placed in a joke form. Really I am hiding it from myself.

In my experience I have found humour to be real when it is in the moment and when it is true/honest. It’s funny cuz it’s true.

I forgive myself that I’ve aceppted and allowed myself to define myself as funny/humorous.

I forgive myself that i’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an idea in my mind of me=funny, which I compared myself to. In moments where I felt I was successfully funny, I felt great and boosted my ego/self image, and in moments where I failed i felt miserable and hated on myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as more/better for being funny/making others laugh.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less/inferior for not living up to the idea/expectation of myself I had formed in my mind, thus experiencing disappointment in myself and depressed feelings.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body by participating in these energetic experiences.

i forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use ‘ I was just being funny/humorous/making a joke’ to hide from myself my true intentions/what I was really expressing.

I forgive myself that I’veaccepted and allowed myself to program myself to try to be funny, to be seen as funny by others, to get approval from others, and have a self-image of ‘funny/humorous’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to funny/humorousness as separate from me which i need to try to project as part of a self image.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to program myself to ‘feel good’ when I have made someone laugh/been successfully funny/humorous.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to determine self-worth according to being percieved as funny/having good sense of humor.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to laugh at other’s jokes/humor when I did not find it funny and I knew they were trying to be percieved as funny for their self-image/ego, because I pitied them (myself), didnt want to face the truth of myself, and didnt want to lose their approval of me/relationship to me which would reflect poorly on my self-image.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself and others to a projected self-image of myself/themself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to support myself and others to have/create/enslave ourselves to a personal idea of self-image.